


Two Sides of The Same Coin

by Kdragon1209



Category: Voltron - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Depression and/or Anxiety, Langst, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, klangst, post-season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26537548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kdragon1209/pseuds/Kdragon1209
Summary: Lance didn’t bring his medications with him into space. It’s not like he had them on him when he went to sneak out of the Garrison that night. It was going to be a quick in and out for some fun. The last thing he expected was to be zapped through a wormhole and pulled into an intergalactic war.
Relationships: Klance - Relationship, keith and lance - Relationship
Comments: 32
Kudos: 399
Collections: Softyetnot





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fully developed character always has flaws. Always. That's what makes them seem more human, more relatable. We as fans love them anyway, imperfections and all.

Lance didn’t bring his medications with him into space. It’s not like he had them on him when he went to sneak out of the Garrison that night. It was going to be a quick in and out for some fun. The last thing he expected was to be zapped through a wormhole and pulled into an intergalactic war.

But despite that, Lance managed to cope pretty well. Sure, his behavior got a little more erratic, but eventually he settled into enough of a routine to calm down. Lance thought he was managing pretty well without letting anyone else know. Pidge was always absorbed in her laptop and didn’t even trust Lance to tell him that she was a girl, so he wasn’t going to tell her about his problems. Lance idolized Shiro and didn’t want to appear weak to his hero, so that was a no too. Keith was _definitely_ a no and hated Lance’s guts. He barely knew Allura and wasn’t going to tell the girl he flirted with repeatedly. Coran was a bit of a toss-up. While Lance got the feeling Coran cared, he wasn’t ready to discuss something like that with the Altean. Lance also had a sneaking suspicion that Hunk knew, but neither of them ever said anything. 

Then things changed. First Shiro disappeared and there was a change in the roster. Blue had practically kicked him out and that honest to god hurt, but he was elated to find out that Red had accepted him—temporarily—at least until they found Shiro. Him and Keith had actually started to get along and dropped their petty rivalry. Thankfully, they found Shiro and everyone was incredibly relieved. But then Keith began withdrawing from the team again before he left altogether. Another blow to Lance, one that hurt more than when Blue kicked him out.

Their little space family that had unknowingly kept Lance together was falling apart.

And Shiro was...different. Lance couldn’t put his finger on it, but he could feel it--feel it in his gut whenever he was around Shiro. It made Lance all queasy and prickly on the inside. He chalked it up to the man getting captured and having his head scrambled a second time. To make matters worse, the others slowly stopped paying attention to his jokes, so Lance stopped making them and became more serious, but not even that drew their attention. His little support group had effectively shut him out. Between the jabs they threw at him and constantly being ignored and no medications to regulate his mood, Lance’s confidence in himself quickly eroded.

And then there were nights like tonight where Lance laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was supposed to be asleep, but he couldn’t shut his mind off. He had visited Kaltenecker earlier to and had some milk to help cheer him up, but it didn’t last long. Then he tried playing the Earth video games again, but he got stuck on a level and died fourteen times before he gave up, which only worsened his mood. As a last ditch effort, he had went to talk to the others, but Hunk and Pidge were working on something techy, Coran was fixing the castle, and Shiro and Allura were discussing strategies for expanding the Voltron coalition. Lance was either no use or in the way, so he simply left.

_I don’t get it. Why do they just ignore me? Am I just_ that _annoying? Do they only tolerate me because I’m needed to fly the Red Lion? Probably, they’d trade me for Keith in a heartbeat. It’s not like I bring anything to the team, I mean, I’m their sharpshooter, but no one else thinks that. I really am just a burden to everyone. Maybe if Keith came back, he could fly Red and then maybe..._ Lance's eyes widened at the realization and he shuddered at the thought.

_Maybe I could go home._

 _They wouldn’t need me anymore then. Ha, yeah right. He left because I’m annoying and he couldn’t stand me anymore. I thought maybe he might actually view me as an equal and see my value as a team member, but who am I kidding? If no one else does, then why should he? I really am just a burden to everyone. They would replace me in a heartbeat. I’m nothing more than a cargo pilot who got lucky. Who would even—_ Lance suddenly surged upright and practically flew off the bed toward the bathroom in his room. He immediately went to the cabinet, looking through shelves and pulling out drawers, looking for the object he had seen a while ago. When he first got settled into his room aboard the castle, Lance had rifled through the drawers, searching for something that was the equivalent of lotion. Lance hadn’t thought much about the contents of the drawers, but he searched through them now, looking for the object he knew he had glimpsed previously.

There.

Lance grabbed the object and stared at it. Whatever it was, it had a slim curved blue and white handle, but when Lance flipped it over, it had what he was looking for. Lance quadruple checked that the door to his bedroom was locked and then locked the bathroom door and rolled up his sleeves. Lance pried a single blade out of the futuristic razor-looking device, careful not to slice his fingers. 

When he went to press the blade into the skin of his wrist, Lance hesitated. This was a really really bad idea. He might be able to conceal what he’d done while wearing his armor, but the others were sure to see the cuts whenever he took off his jacket. _Would they really care?_ A sick part of his mind wondered. _But I_ want _to do this. Soooo bad. They wouldn’t care. I’m just a useless paladin to them. A temporary until they find someone to replace me._ The thoughts suddenly became too much and Lance had his mind made up. In a rush, he tore off his blue Altean robe and boxers that he was wearing and climbed into the tub, the single blade pinched between his fingers. Lance stared down at his caramel legs for a moment before pressing the blade into his upper right thigh, making two quick slices. He hissed as it stung in protest, but he melted from the relief it brought. Lance stared at the blood pooling on his leg in the darkness and was suddenly horrified at what he’d done. He pressed his hand into the cuts, trying to get the bleeding to stop. Luckily, he hadn’t cut too deep and suddenly remembered the first aid kit that had been left in his room when he scraped his knee messing around with Hunk.

Keeping his hand firmly over the cuts, he got up and found the first aid kit. Lance then sat down on the toilet and began cleaning his wound before bandaging it. After that, he put his clothes back on and made sure to clean up any traces of blood before returning to bed. This time sleep didn’t elude him as long and he managed to fall asleep before his thoughts could take over again.

Lance hadn’t told anyone what he had done—or attempted to do—and a few weeks later the cuts had healed up. He vowed to himself that he would never do that again and find a better way to cope with the emotions he was feeling. During that time they had liberated a few more planets and a couple of them even threw huge celebrations. The other paladins weren’t too interested, but Lance soaked up the attention, much to his teammates’ disapproval.

One day a mission didn’t go too well and Pidge’s Lion got busted up pretty bad, along with the castle. Lance might have...goofed off a little and ended up blowing their cover. Everyone was pretty mad at him and Lance apologized, but it did nothing to curb their disappointment. Later that day, Lance had gone to the Green Lion’s hangar to apologize again and see if he could help with repairs. But before he turned the corner, he could hear Pidge’s and Hunk’s voices.

“Man, the Green Lion’s busted up pretty bad,” Hunk sighed.

“I know. Don’t worry girl, we’ll get you fixed,” Pidge assured. “If Lance hadn’t been goofing off and blown our cover, this wouldn’t have happened.” That last comment made Lance freeze before he entered. He pressed his back up against the wall and listened.

“You know how Lance is...” Hunk pointed out.

“Of course I do! He’s a complete idiot and thinks everything is one big joke! If he would have taken the mission seriously today then none of this would have happened!” Pidge flared angrily.

“Pidge, don’t you think you’re being too harsh?” Hunk wondered.

“Too harsh? What if someone had been seriously hurt? Or what if this happens again? This is a _war_ for Pete’s sake! Next time more than just my Lion could be hurt.”

“Yeah...I guess you got a point.”

Lance’s heart seized in his chest and tears stung in his eyes. _Not you too Hunk._ Before anyone could see, Lance turn tail and ran. _If you guys didn’t like me that much then why don’t you just say it to my face?_ Lance ran to his room and locked the door before collapsing into sobs. First Keith, then Shiro, and now Hunk and Pidge. If that’s how Hunk and Pidge felt, there was no doubt in Lance’s mind that that’s how the Alteans felt too. And the worst part was that they were _right._ If Lance hadn’t been screwing around during the mission, their cover wouldn’t have been blown. Pidge seriously could’ve been hurt and it would have been his fault.

Without thinking, Lance immediately got up and went to his bathroom, searching for the razor blade he had picked out. Before he could undress and climb into the tub, there was an announcement over the intercoms.

“Everyone to the bridge, we’ve got an incoming distress signal,” Allura’s voice ordered. Lance quickly put the blade away and washed his face to rid it of the tears. He checked himself in the mirror and hoped it didn’t look like he had been crying.

Thankfully the distress signal came from some aliens that just needed some parts for repairs. Lance helped Shiro and Allura ferry the parts over before returning to the castle. During dinner that evening, Lance was absorbed in his own thoughts and picked at his food. But then he realized that might seem suspicious and cleaned his plate. He then dumped his dirty dishes in the sink and excused himself.

Night came, where sleep eluded him again, leaving Lance’s mind free for his thoughts to ravage around. He tried really hard to fall asleep, but he tossed and turn and couldn’t seem to get comfortable. Just when he began drifting off, another horrible thought would occur to him and wake him back up.

_That’s it! I can’t take it anymore!_ Lance’s mind cried. He raced to the bathroom with tears in his eyes, locked the door, and found the blade again. He hastily took off his clothes and sat down in the shower. This time he did not hesitate and sliced into his skin of his thighs with ease. Each cut drew his attention further and further from his thoughts. He shuddered at how easy it was; at how good it made him feel. And the best part was that it was just between Lance and Lance. For all of his flirting, he’d never been able to get a girl remotely interested in him, so there was no way anyone was going to find out. Lance was going to make sure of it. That way he could have something of his own, something that he had control over and no one would berate him for it. He knew he should feel ashamed at what he was doing. His mother would cry at the thought and wrap him up in a huge bear hug. But his mother wasn’t here and no one was going to hug him, so Lance cut more and more, relishing in the pain that it brought him. And the next day he would wake up feeling refreshed, with a smile plastered on his face and ready to save the universe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, when I first started watching Voltron, I didn't like Lance. He was loud and obnoxious and joked around a lot. But as the show progressed and we got to see more of him--and his insecurities--I realized I related to Lance A LOT more than I previously thought. It was then I paid more attention to him and grew to love him as a person.  
> Klance next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap guys! I was not really expecting much when I posted the first part, but I was pleasantly surprised and I thank everyone for that. Middles aren't my strong suit and it ended up being longer than I planned. This will probably end up being three or four chapters, depending on how I decide to split it later. I don't remember what Acxa ended up doing after the war or if it was said, but for this to work she was working with Keith in the Blades. I also had to look up some traditional Cuban dishes, but please let me know if I got anything wrong and I'll fix it. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think, I'd love to hear from everyone!

Years later, after they had saved all of existence and the lions had left, Lance had retired to helping on his family farm. Even though Lance was back with his family, everyone else was off doing amazing things. Lance had managed to kick his cutting habit, but he saw the scars whenever his clothes came off.

He supposed it also had to do with the fact that there were more eyes watching him and his privacy was limited.

But just like anything else, the negative thoughts began to creep in, began to slither through his brain and strangle his confidence again, making it hard to keep up the facade. Even though Lance had stopped cutting, he still found other ways to injure himself. Like pruning the rose bushes without any gloves. Usually he could hide the blood in the bushes and wash up before anyone saw, but today was not the day.

“Lance!” Veronica shouted, jolting Lance from his thoughts. Lance flinched at her voice and looked up at her guiltily.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“What are you doing pruning the rose bush without any gloves?!”

“Oh, I uh...I thought these were the thornless variation. My bad,” Lance lied.

“Come on, let’s go.” Veronica grabbed his forearm, near his elbow and above the blood, and tugged him inside. She dragged him over to the kitchen counter and yanked his hands into the sink. She furiously slammed the faucet on and began scrubbing Lance’s hands. Her eyes widened when she saw all the cuts in them from the thorns. “Jesus Lance, pay more attention next time.”

“Sorry,” Lance muttered. “I just started and hadn’t noticed.” Veronica glared up at him from the corner of her eye. Her and Lance both knew that he had enough branches trimmed off that he hadn’t “just started,” but to Lance’s relief, Veronica didn’t press him on it.

After she had all of his cuts cleaned, she made Lance sit down at the kitchen table so she could properly bandage them. “Don’t. Move,” she ordered, daring him to challenge her, and left. Lance gulped and dreaded the scolding he knew he was going to get later.

Veronica’s angry footsteps signaled her return as she marched back to the kitchen, first aid kit clutched in her hand. She sat down in the chair next to him, plopped the kit on the table, flicked open the latches and opened up the lid. She then began rummaging through the kit, pulling out bandages and bottles and gauze all while muttering under her breath. Veronica grabbed the black bottle of alcohol and doused a cotton ball in it.

“Alright, give me a hand,” she ordered. Lance glumly lifted his left hand and she grabbed his wrist, pinning it against the table. “Hold still.” Veronica pressed the cotton ball onto a cut, making Lance jump and inhale sharply. It was like stinging embers had been ignited all over his skin as the alcohol killed any possible pathogens attempting to enter through his cuts. Lance was ashamed to admit that despite the fact it hurt like hell, it still felt good. He didn’t miss the glare that his sister flashed him when she glanced up to meet his gaze. She still didn’t say anything though and dabbed the rest of his scratches (though her dabs were more like _jabs)._

“What the hell were you thinking, Lance?” Veronica hissed. “And don’t lie to me.”

Lance shrugged. “I forgot to grab gloves and didn’t want to walk all the way back to the tool shed to grab some. I’ve trimmed the rose bushes before without gloves and did fine.”

“But not this time,” Veronica muttered.

“Not this time,” Lance agreed. Veronica glared at him again, but the look was different this time. A chilly ball of dread instantly form in the pit of his stomach.

She knew.

She had that look like she knew—or at least had an idea—what he was up to. But he also knew that she didn’t have enough evidence to outright accuse him of anything—only enough for suspicion. But that also meant she would be watching him like hawk from here on out. Lance would have to be extra careful from now on.

Once Veronica finished sterilizing all of Lance’s cuts, she began bandaging them, cursing occasionally when she couldn't get the individual wrappers to open. After she was finished with his left hand, he gave her the right for her to work on. 

“You’re hands are cold again,” Veronica noted. “How many times is that this week?”

Lance shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not keeping count.”

“Lance.”

He sighed and looked away. “…More often than not.” She made a humming noise, but didn’t ask any more questions and continued working in silence. The doorbell rang when she was almost done with his right. Nadia and Silvio could be heard running and giggling toward the door.

“Can someone get the door?” Veronica called.

“I got it,” Rachel shouted back. There was some indistinct chatter, but it wasn’t enough to tell who it was.

“You stay there,” Veronica ordered. She got up to go see who it was and disappeared.

“Lance, you got some visitors,” Rachel called. Lance frowned, wondering who it could be, and got up to see. Hunk was busy helping Shiro and the Atlas in space and they weren’t scheduled to return to Earth for a few months. Coran was still on New Altea helping them rebuild. Pidge and Matt were busy at the Garrison, but the Holt family was planning on visiting for the holidays, but that was still a couple months away. 

_Who’s at the door?_ Lance wondered. He turned the corner stopped dead in his tracks when he saw.

Keith.

Lance stood there, stunned, trying to process everything.

Keith was _here._

Talking to his _sisters._

Somewhere in the back of his mind it registered that Acxa was here too, but the only thing that occupied his mind at the moment was Keith.

_Why?_ It the first coherent thought Lance could manage.

Keith suddenly noticed Lance standing in the hallway and the corners of his mouth tugged into a grin. “Lance?” he called.

Keith’s voice suddenly snapped Lance’s mind out of its stupor. _Why is he here? Why why why why? Isn’t he supposed to be leading missions with the Blades? Why is he back on Earth? Did the others know that he was returning? Shit, was there something scheduled and I missed it? No, that can’t be it. Why is he here?_

“Lance,” Veronica said sharply.

“Oh, um…hey. Didn’t know you were in the solar system,” Lance joked, not moving from his spot.

“Yeah. We had to come back to update the Garrison on our progress and thought we’d stop by,” Keith explained.

“Oh…are Ezor and Zethrid here too?” Lance questioned.

“Nope. They wanted to go sight-seeing,” Acxa answered. 

“And you let them do that unsupervised?” Veronica asked, eyebrows raised.

“They’re under strict orders not to destroy anything or threaten anyone,” Keith explained.

Veronica rolled her eyes. “Wonderful.”

“Well, come on in,” Rachel exclaimed and ushered the half-Galras inside. “I’m sure Mama will be excited to cook for guests.”

“If you’re really lucky, she’ll make garlic knots,” Veronica whispered to Acxa.

Acxa’s brows furrowed. “What are…’garlic knots?’”

“You’ll see.”

Just as they stepped through the front door, Silvio and Nadia were squealing with joy, startling both Acxa and Keith. 

“Oh my gosh! Are these the cool Galras you’re always telling us about Uncle Lance?” Nadia asked excitedly.

“I thought Galras were purple?” Silvio wondered.

“Do you really have fangs?”

“Do you eat moons?”

“What are those weird things on your head?”

“Your ears are pointed like an elf’s.”

Nadia gasped. “Do you work for Santa?”

Silvio’s face lit up. “Do you? I’ve been super good this year! Can you give him my list?”

“Kids! Kids! Go play outside!” Rachel interjected and shooed them out the door. “Sorry ‘bout that, I’ll keep them occupied for a bit.” The door shut, but Rachel’s shouting could be heard outside.

Lance couldn’t help but chuckle as Keith and Acxa exchanged wide-eyed glances. Veronica herded them over to the living room and gestured for them to sit on the couch. She then hurriedly swept Silvio and Nadia’s toys—the ones they were supposed to pick up earlier—into a corner.

“Sorry ‘bout that. Those two have quite the motor-mouths,” Veronica explained.

“That was…unexpected,” Acxa admitted, casting a glance at Keith. Somewhere in the flurry of movements, Lance managed to sneak away from them and was hiding out in the kitchen. He knew he couldn’t leave without Veronica hunting him down, but he didn’t want to face Keith. He also knew it’d be suspicious if he _didn’t_ face Keith, but he wasn’t ready yet. So instead he excused himself to grab them beverages—yeah, that’s what he was doing. Grabbing beverages. Definitely _not_ grabbing the counter like a lifeline as his anxiety bubbled up in his stomach and his heart pounded in his chest.

“Lance,” Veronica hissed behind him. Lance jumped at her voice and whirled around.

“What?” He hissed back.

“Are you gonna go say hi or go hide?”

“For your information, I was grabbing our guests _drinks.”_ Lance demonstrated by taking four glasses out of the cabinet and setting them down on the counter. Veronica gave him a pointed look before grabbing the pitcher of water out of the fridge and filling each glass. Before Lance could protest, she grabbed two of the glasses and went to the living room. Frowning, Lance grabbed two of his own and grumpily followed her.

Veronica had already distributed her glasses to Keith and Acxa, so Lance put his on the end table in the middle of the two chairs and sat down in the one on the left. Veronica took the other chair and settled easily into it. “So, how is it going out there?” she began.

“It’s going pretty good. Things have been pretty quiet lately, so that’s good,” Keith answered.

“Of course, if you consider helping people rebuild after their planets have been ravaged by war as ‘quiet’ then, yeah,” Acxa added.

“How many different planets have you guys helped?” Veronica inquired.

“A lot, too many to count,” Keith sighed. “But I’m sure there are countless others that still need help. With the aid of the Coalition and Atlas, we’re making great progress though.”

“Is it tough seeing all of that? I know having to help Earth rebuild was difficult for me,” Veronica said. The two half-Galras suddenly looked a little uncomfortable.

“It was…at first,” Keith admitted. “But…you—you get used to it.”

“But yeah, it’s still hard sometimes,” Acxa added quietly.

“I’m glad you guys are helping all those people—or aliens I guess?—sometimes the best thing to do is help others,” Veronica pointed out. 

At some point Lance had stopped listening to the conversation. He wasn’t sure when and he didn’t mean to, but trying to pay attention was like trying to hold water in your hands—eventually it all just slipped through. Of course, that didn’t stop his thoughts from running a mile a minute. _Why is Keith here? Did he really want to visit or is Acxa making him? God, I hope they don’t spend the night. I don’t know that I could handle that. I didn’t get done pruning the roses. Crap, there’s a pile of thorns laying out in the open—and the pruners. Shit, I didn’t put the watering can and fertilizer away either. Not gonna lie, they kinda look weird in regular clothes. I guess I’m used to seeing them in their Marmora uniforms._ His thoughts suddenly shifted to his time with Voltron and he briefly allowed himself to reminisce helping all those people. At one point, Lance absentmindedly noticed that Keith’s gaze kept flicking over to his, alternating between his hands and his face. Lance was pretty sure that that registered somewhere in his mind, but he was too absorbed in his worries to really give it much thought.

“Lance? Hello, earth to Lance?” Veronica called and waved a hand in front of his face. Lance jumped and looked up. Everyone was standing up and looking at him. Since when were they standing?

“You doin’ okay?” Keith asked.

“Hm? Oh, yeah…I just remembered I didn’t put away my pruners from earlier,” Lance said and stood up. “I’m gonna go do that now.” He gathered everyone’s glasses and went to the kitchen sink to rinse them out.

“Great, why don’t you take Keith with you?” Veronica suggested.

It wasn’t a suggestion, but Lance wasn’t giving in without a fight. “Uh, what are _you_ two doing then?”

“I was gonna go show Acxa the juniberry flowers we’re growing.”

“It’s just to the green house and back, don’t wanna bore him with something like that.”

“I’d love to,” Keith interrupted.

_So much for a fight._ Lance was glad his back was to them because he couldn’t help the irritated look that crossed his face. Lance sighed in defeat. “Alright, let’s go then.”

It was a little bit of a walk to the green house after collecting the tools Lance had gotten out. He didn’t feel like taking the trimmed branches with and obviously didn’t have any gloves, so he had scooted them next to the base of the bushes with his foot. Keith had offered to help carry something, but Lance declined and gathered everything in his hands. The walk was uncomfortable to say the least and filled with too much silence, but Lance didn’t have the energy to start the conversation. He probably wouldn’t have anything to say even if he _did_ have the energy, so there was that.

So that’s why he was surprised when Keith did.

“So how have things been goin’?” Keith asked.

Lance glanced at Keith out of the corner of his eye before returning his gaze to the path ahead of them. Lance shrugged, “It’s been going okay I guess…Kaltenecker got into the alfalfa and ate too much and got sick, but after a vet visited she’s doing better.” Lance paused, unsure what to tell Keith and how much he really wanted to hear. “Silvio sprained his ankle a few weeks ago and was terrified of the doctor, so that was fun. Mama thinks Lisa’s pregnant again, but they haven’t announced anything yet, so we’ll see.”

“I see,” Keith said. Lance ran out of things to say and let the conversation die. He was about to get lost in his thoughts again when Keith spoke again. “So how are _you_ doing?” Lance blinked, surprised that the question caught him off-guard.

Lance shrugged again. “Okay I guess. There’s always plenty to do around here. Silvio and Nadia definitely keep me busy.”

“Right…you sure you don’t want me to carry anything?”

“I’m good. If I carried it out, I carry it back.” The conversation dropped again and Lance thanked god when they arrived at the green house. Keith held the door open for him before following Lance inside. Lance went to the small tool shed that they had built inside, opened the door with his foot, and stepped inside. Keith hung out by the doors and leaned on the frame.

“So what happened to your hands?” Keith inquired.

“Hm? Oh, I got scratched up from pruning the roses. No big deal,” Lance answered calmly as he began putting stuff away.

“Why were you trimming roses without any gloves?”

“Did Veronica put you up to this?” The words were out of Lance’s mouth before he could stop himself. Something about Keith’s line of questioning had made him wary, but the last one irked him especially. He was _fine._ Everything was fine. Why did everyone keep asking so many questions?

Keith’s brows furrowed and he shifted his weight. “No, I was just asking,” Keith said. But Lance had known Keith long enough to know when he was evading the truth—or the _whole_ truth anyway. He tended to tell the half-truth while sprinkling little fibs in around it. 

_Yeah right, I know she talked to you,_ Lance thought to himself. _That’s why she wanted you to come along with me. I don’t need a babysitter._ Lance glanced up at Keith before going back to putting his tools away. “Sorry, it’s just—Veronica’s been kinda on my nerves lately and I wouldn’t put it past her to do that,” Lance mumbled.

“It’s okay.”

“Guess that’s what siblings are for huh? Probably makes you glad you don’t have any.” Lance instantly regretted what he said and snapped his mouth shut, internally berating himself for being so stupid and callous. _God, why can’t I do anything right? What’s wrong with me?_

“…While it’s true I don’t have any siblings,” Keith began slowly. “I had you guys.” Lance cursed his traitorous eyes for glancing over at Keith and saw a small smile across his face. It might have been small, but Lance knew it was genuine. For some reason though, it put an unpleasant feeling in Lance’s chest and he didn’t reply.

“We should probably head back to the house,” Lance said quietly once he was done putting things away. If Lance thought the walk out was bad, the walk _back_ to the house was downright miserable. Neither of them said anything the whole way and Lance kept running through the millions of reasons why he was an idiot. _God, why can’t I just keep my big fat mouth shut?_

When they arrived back at the house, they entered to see Nadia and Silvio were back inside, running amuck in the house and toys strung all over the place. Rachel darted through the living room, trying to catch the ornery children, while Marco stood in the hallway, sipping a can of soda.

“Get back here!” Rachel shouted.

“You know you’re only adding to their fun,” Marco pointed out.

Rachel stopped to glare at her brother. “You know, you could help.”

“Why would I do that? You’re doing such a great job.” 

“Tell Luis to get down here and control his own damn children.”

“Silvio! Nadia!” Lance yelled, making everyone jump. His niece and nephew stopped running instantly. “What have I told you about running in the house?” Their faces fell and dropped to the ground.

“Sorry Uncle Lance,” Nadia mumbled.

“Yeah, sorry Uncle Lance,” Silvio muttered.

Lance had his hands on his hips and did his best to be stern, but he didn’t last long and knelt down in front of them. “Alright, as long as you’re sorry, I forgive you. Now give your uncle a hug.” Their faces lit up and they embraced him. “Alright, now please pick up your toys, we have guests staying for dinner. Don’t need anyone tripping over them now do we?”

“No doctors!” Silvio yelped.

“That’s right, no doctors, now get going and pick up your toys,” Lance instructed. He stood up and Silvio and Nadia instantly began collecting their toys strewn throughout the house.

“See? Lance did both our jobs,” Marco joked. He went to take a sip of his soda when Veronica walked by and plucked it out of his hand before his lips met the can. “Hey!”

“Not today Marco, you’ve already had three of those,” Veronica said. “Go help Mama with the groceries, her and Lisa just got back.”

Marco’s shoulders slumped. “Aw man, why do I have to?” He gloomily trudged outside to go meet their mother at the car. Lance smothered a giggle and suddenly remembered Keith. He turned around to see him still standing in the doorway, looking positively uncomfortable. But before Lance could say anything, Mama and Lisa entered from the back door, hands full of grocery bags.

Mama spotted Lance and motioned him over. “Lance, help me put the pork in the fridge. It took longer at the grocery store than I would have liked and I don’t want it spoiling,” she said. Lance gave Keith an apologetic look and went over to help his mother. Lisa set all of her bags on the kitchen table and began unpacking them.

“Did you see where I put the car keys?” Lisa asked.

“In your purse dear,” Mama answered.

Lisa opened her purse and dug around. “Oh, found them,” she announced and pulled them out. Marco came back in with a handful of groceries and Lance gave his mother and incredulous look.

“How much food did you buy? We only have two guests,” Lance questioned.

“Two guests and plus ten family members,” Mama corrected.

“Well, you got a point there.” Once they got all the food that needed to be refrigerator away, Mama and Lisa began preparing the food. While Lisa tended to the dishes that still needed to be washed, Mama washed the potatoes and began peeling them.

“Lance, we didn’t get a chance to milk Kaltenecker today, can you go do that?” Mama asked.

“Uhhhh…yeah,” Lance glanced back at Keith again. “Um….”

Mama spotted Keith still standing awkwardly over by the door. She got up and pulled him over by the arm. “Good, I could use some help peeling potatoes.” She sat him down at the table and handed a very bewildered-looking Keith a potato peeler. She then went to hand him a potato, but then yanked it away at the last second. “Did you wash your hands?”

“No?” Keith answered.

“Go wash them,” Mama ordered, ushering him over to the sink where Lisa was working. Mama then raised her voice. “Veronica? Where’d your friend go? We need help making the deviled eggs!” Not a moment later, Veronica was pushing a reluctant Acxa into the kitchen. “Good, wash your hands.” Lance couldn’t help but giggle at how flustered the two were. In the McClain house, if you weren’t doing anything, you were helping. 

“Aren’t you supposed to milking?” Mama demanded. Lance winced and darted out the door. The second part of that rule was don’t stand around when you have a task to do. 

By the time Lance had gotten back, dinner was almost ready. He might have…took his time milking Kaltenecker, choosing instead to do little odds and ends around the barn before finally milking her. Technically he wasn’t _wasting_ time—it was actually spent productively—but he wouldn’t lie that he took longer on purpose. Visiting Kaltenecker and getting some time away from his family helped calm his nerves substantially. He didn’t understand why he was always so anxious around them—something that had started when he returned to Earth—but it was something he dealt with on a daily basis. And if he was being honest, having Keith here amplified his feelings of uneasiness tenfold. Lance knew he was acting weird around Keith, but he just couldn’t help it.

When Lance stepped inside, there was a huge flurry of people moving about as everyone helped get the table set and the food ready. People danced around each other as plates and glasses were set out, along with silverware and napkins. Platters of food were being laid down across the long table and glasses were being filled. A smaller table had been set up for Nadia and Silvio. Lance noticed that someone had also dug out a folding table and placed it at one end of the table and added extra chairs.

Lance instantly smelled the sweet smell of garlic knots and his mouth began watering. Veronica must have convinced Mama to make them. Lance couldn’t contain his giddy excitement and carefully maneuvered his way to the fridge to put the bottles of milk in them.

“Lance, grab the pitcher of lemonade while you’re in there,” Pop-pop said. Lance did so and set it down on the table. By the time everything was said and done, everyone had sat down at the table. Somehow Lance ended up sandwiched between Marco and Luis, and of course, sitting across from Keith. Acxa sat next to him with Veronica on her other side. Lance’s mother ended up on Keith’s other side and smiled warmly at him. Lisa sat on the other side of Luis and Pop-pop was across from her. On the other side of Marco sat Rachel. 

As soon as everyone was seated, a short prayer to bless the food was said. Not a moment after it ended everyone started digging into the food. Mama and Lisa had really out-done themselves this time. They had made some of Lance’s favorite traditional Cuban foods like pernil, maduros, and boniato—and of course, garlic knots—as well as other foods like deviled eggs, a giant salad bowl, cornbread, and many more. Lance made sure to get a forkful of everything. Dinners with his family were the one thing that didn’t make him nervous and it was fun to watch Keith and Acxa sample the Cuban dishes. Lance supposed the Earth food was completely foreign to Acxa, though he noticed she took extra of the boniato. Everyone was laughing and talking and having a great time, and Keith and Acxa gradually loosened up too. 

“So, Keith, you’re Galra?” Marco asked out of the blue. The table immediately went silent.

_“And_ a paladin of _Voltron,_ we’ve been over this,” Lance added tersely.

“What? I can’t be curious?”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Rachel muttered and took a sip of her lemonade.

“No it’s fine. My father was human but my mother, Krolia, is Galra,” Keith answered.

“Soooo, then, like, how’d they meet?” Marco wondered. “Wouldn’t that mean Galra had been to Earth before or did she abduct him?” Lance elbowed Marco in the ribs and his brother shot him a glare.

Keith shifted uncomfortably. “Well…my mother was a member of the Blade of Marmora, a secret resistance group, and had infiltrated the Galra Empire ranks. When her squadron was assigned to Earth’s sector, they happened to locate the Blue Lion. In order to keep it a secret from Zarkon, she killed the other soldiers, but her fighter was damaged and she crashed on Earth. My dad saw the ship go down and rescued her,” Keith explained. “Then somewhere along the way they had me.”

“What about you Acxa? What’s your story?” Rachel asked, genuinely curious.

“You don’t have to share if you don’t want to,” Pop-pop interjected. 

Acxa was quiet for a moment before speaking. “My story’s pretty similar to Keith’s, except my father was Galra. He fell in love with a rebel and was branded a traitor marked for death, so they ran away together. In exchange for his knowledge of the empire, the rebels hid them and they had me. Unfortunately, being half-Galra meant no one wanted to be around me, especially because I looked like one. That also meant I was ostracized by the other full-blooded Galra. Somewhere along the way I met Prince Lotor and he offered me a spot as one of his generals, so I accepted.”

“Wasn’t Lotor Zarkon’s son?” Rachel asked.

“Yes, but he was half-Galra too—we all were. Me, Zethrid, Ezor, and Narti and Lotor. We found comradery in our half-lineage. But after Keith rescued me from the weblum, I began to doubt Lotor and question his motives. It wasn’t until after we fought Voltron that his true intentions were revealed and we left. I split off with Zethrid and Ezor and eventually ran into the paladins again and decided to join them. I don’t regret my choice,” Acxa explained.

“It’s amazing how many different worlds we come from and all the experiences we’ve had,” Mama began. “We appreciate you sharing your stories and are glad to have you as guests.” Everyone smiled and nodded in agreement.

“Did Lance try to hit on you?” Marco inquired.

“Marco!” Lance cried. He smacked Marco’s shoulder and was ready to brawl with him right then and there.

“Oo look! His tattoos lit up!” Marco teased, trying to shove Lance away from him. Lance blanched and felt heat rush to his cheeks. His embarrassment was soon replaced by anger and was halfway out of his seat ready to tear into Marco. 

“Boys! Knock it off!” Pop-pop ordered. They stopped and reluctantly let go of each other, but both shot each other a glare. _This night can’t get any worse,_ Lance thought miserably. But sure enough, his embarrassment deepened into shame when he glanced up and saw Keith staring at him.

“Well, I can attest that Lance did not ‘hit on me,’ but if he did I would have knocked him to the ground,” Acxa assured and took a sip of her lemonade. Beside her, Veronica made an uncertain face. Rachel leaned over and whispered to Veronica, who nodded.

“So, Keith, Acxa what have you guys been up to these days?” Mama asked suddenly, eager to fill the uneasy silence.

“Oh, well, mostly we’ve been providing supplies to various planets to help them rebuild after the war,” Keith answered. He then launched into an explanation of all the Blade responsibilities and operations. He also talked about how his mother and Kolivan had been elected to represent Daibazaal in the Galactic Coalition and what all they were doing. Lance was only half-listening and picked at the food that still remained on his plate, his appetite suddenly gone. He also noticed that his hands had gotten cold again, and despite his socks and shoes, so had his feet. _Great, guess I’ll need to dig out my heavy socks and gloves after dinner again._

To Lance’s relief, the rest of the meal went relatively smooth, if you didn’t count his family needing to tell embarrassing stories about him when he was little.

“Yeah, and then this one time when we were all on a fishing trip, Lance was super squeamish about the worms,” Veronica began.

“Yeah, and we said if he wanted to fish with us, he had to bait his own hook,” Luis continued.

“But Lance ended up sticking himself with the hook and we had to go to the emergency room to get it removed,” Marco added with a laugh.

“That’s only _after_ Rachel dropped a worm down my shirt!” Lance pointed out indignantly, arms crossed. The siblings couldn’t help but laugh at that. Even Keith laughed at that.

_That’s it. I’ve had enough,_ Lance thought angrily.

“And he cried for _hours,”_ Veronica added. “You should’ve seen it!”

“Yeah, well, whatever,” Lance grumbled. "It's a wonder how I didn't turn out traumatized growing up with you four." He stood up and took his empty plate and silverware to go rinse it off in the sink. Lance didn’t think anything of it as his family kept talking. Hopefully he could excuse himself to go warm up his hands and feet—and cool his head. His hands seemed to be getting colder and colder by the minute.

Before Lance ever made it to the sink, a bone-chilling cold shot through him, enveloping his body in an icy embrace. The cold was so abrupt that Lance crumpled to the ground and instantly started shivering, dropping his dishes in the process. The silverware clattered to the ground, shattering one of Mama’s good plates.

“Lance!” Several people shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously considered "give me this many kudos and I'll post the next part," but I decided I was already going to be evil enough and decided against the ultimatum :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next part, as promised. I don't know why I find writing mushy stuff harder than angst, but it was, and took a little bit longer. I might have teared up writing part of it, so yeah...
> 
> I can also attest that I've hauled hay and mucked stalls myself, and yeah, you're dog tired afterwards. 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think, I would love to hear from everyone.

The McClains were out of their seats in an instant.

Lance couldn’t remember what he had been doing before the chill shot through him, but the next thing he knew he was curled up in a ball on the ground, shivering violently. Faces appeared in Lance’s field of vision and it registered that it was his mother and siblings. Veronica moved his bangs to the side and felt his forehead.

“He’s freezing again,” Veronica reported. “Rachel, go get blankets. Marco, Luis, move him to the couch.” Veronica stood up and moved out of the way as Marco and Luis crouched down.

“Alright Lance, we’re gonna move you now,” Luis announced. Luis looped his arms under Lance’s shoulders and Marco grabbed his legs. Together they lifted him up and carried him to the living room. Rachel was there and immediately began wrapping Lance in thick heavy blankets. Luis had to help hold him up he was shivering so bad.

“What’s going on?” Keith asked worriedly. “What’s happening?”

“He gets cold spells every once and while. We’ve got it handled,” Veronica explained. Once Lance had a few blankets around him, they set him down on the couch. Silvio and Nadia—being the little heaters they were—automatically climbed up on either side of him and snuggled in close. Rachel draped another blanket around them, tucking it in behind them.

“Don’t worry Uncle Lance, we’ll warm you up,” Silvio said.

“Yeah, we’ll warm you up,” Nadia repeated.

“Aw, th-th-th-thanks…g-guys-s-s,” Lance said through chattering teeth. He immediately could feel their body heat radiating through the blankets, but it would be a little bit before he stopped shivering so much.

“When did this start happening?” Keith wondered.

“You tell me, he didn’t have this problem until he came back from space,” Veronica said pointedly.

“I—…I don’t know,” Keith admitted.

Through Lance’s shivering and teeth chattering, he was still able to hear the conversation going on between Veronica and Keith. Having another cold spell was bad enough and he hated having to get help from his family, but of course it had to happen while Keith was here. He saw Keith glanced over with a concerned look and Lance averted his gaze. Lance felt even more self-conscious than normal and wanted nothing more than for this day to be over. _Great, now Keith’s going to have a million questions and pester me about it, more so than Veronica does. Just great,_ Lance thought sulkily. It seemed like the universe was conspiring against him today.

After about half an hour, Lance gradually began to warm up and his shivering lessened. Mama made him a glass of hot chocolate and set it on the end table for when he finally stopped shivering. While Silvio and Nadia were warming Lance up, the rest of the family set to cleaning up the table and doing the dishes. Their saving grace after teasing him like that was that they made sure to keep Keith and Acxa away from him. The last thing Lance wanted to talk about is his body’s occasional problems regulating his temperature. By the time Lance felt warm again, desserts were being brought out, but Lance wasn’t in the mood and desperately wanted to disappear into his room.

Once all of Lance’s hot chocolate was gone and his temperature was back to normal, Lance darted to his room upstairs and shut the door. It was only when his door was shut and locked that he finally let himself relax. He flopped down on his bed and hugged his pillow, burying his face into the material. It was times like this where Lance seriously felt like crying, but found that no tears would form.

Lance’s thoughts absentmindedly drifted to the metal nail filer that he kept in one of the drawers in his bathroom. While he did in fact use it to file his nails, he had also used the pointed tip for other things—things that he was seriously considering doing now. But after all that went down with the rose bushes and Veronica, Lance knew it was a horrible idea. But knowing didn’t make the urge go away, and the longer he thought about it, the bigger the urge grew. 

That is, until there was a soft knock at his door. 

Lance was jolted from his thoughts and instantly felt guilty that he was considering such a thing again. “Go away Veronica,” Lance muttered.

“It’s Keith.”

“Oh. Go away Keith.”

“Please? I just want to talk.”

Lance was _definitely_ not in the mood to talk to anyone—especially Keith. But if he was being honest with himself, it was times like these when he was feeling miserable that Lance had wished someone had been there for him. He remembered when he had went to Keith before when he needed someone to talk to, but those moments were overshadowed by all the times when Keith was gone.

_But he’s here now,_ a tiny part of his mind whispered.

_How convenient. He shows up right as I have a cold spell and probably thinks I’m a freak,_ another part of his mind grumbled. Somewhere Lance knew he was being a hypocrite (Keith had had similar feelings when he found out he was half-Galra), but Lance was too upset to really care at the moment. _Well, what’s the worst that could happen?_

 _He makes fun of me and leaves,_ Lance thought, answering his own question. _Wouldn’t be the first time._ Lance groaned and sighed in defeat. “Fine,” he muttered.

“The door’s locked,” Keith pointed out. Lance took a deep exasperated breath and rose from his bed. Lance unlocked the door and opened it to see Keith standing there patiently. He gave Lance a small smile when the door opened, but Lance didn’t return it. He trudged over to his bed and plopped down on the side, burying his face in his hands.

“How…how are you doing?” Keith asked slowly.

“Honest? Not very good,” Lance replied tersely.

“I brought you a slice of pie, but…you don’t seem to be in pie mood,” Keith explained. He set the plate and fork down on Lance’s night stand. “Can I…can I sit next to you?”

“Sure.” Lance didn’t look up as Keith carefully sat down next to him, the bed drooping under the added weight. For a while neither of them said anything. Lance was seriously worried that if Keith started asking questions everything might come tumbling out.

“When did this all…?” Keith asked quietly.

Lance closed his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“…How often does that happen?”

“I’m not sure. Used to be a couple times a year, but they’ve been getting more frequent lately.”

“Have you talked to anyone about this?”

_No,_ Lance thought, “Yeah, our family doctor.” _I didn’t want to bother anyone with such a trivial issue. I’m not even sure anyone would even know what the hell’s going on with me. Besides, everyone’s off doing cool important things; the last thing they need is to worry about me._

“What did your doctor say?”

“Poor circulation,” Lance fibbed. Lance thanked god when Keith let the conversation drop. There was a long enough lapse in questions that Lance thought Keith was finally going to leave.

“Does your family always antagonize you like that?” Keith asked out of the blue.

The question caught Lance off-guard and his gaze flicked up to meet Keith’s. His expression may have been serious, but his violet eyes gave away his worry. Lance looked away and sighed. “Yeah, but that’s pretty normal. It’s no big deal. That’s pretty much what happens when you’re the baby of the family.”

Keith frowned in confusion. “But you…you looked pretty upset.”

“Well, yeah, ‘cause every time I have someone over to the house or someone visits, they have to go and make fun of me in front of everyone,” Lance said crossly, throwing his hands up in the air. “They did it when I had Allura over, they did it when Hunk’s and Pidge’s families were over, and they did it again with you. That’s why I stopped inviting people over.”

“Why don’t you tell them that it upsets you?” Keith suggested. He laid a supportive hand on Lance’s shoulder, but Lance reflexively jerked away. He saw the worry deepen in Keith’s expression and averted his gaze again.

Lance sighed and closed his eyes again. “Because it’s…complicated.”

There was another pause in the conversation again, but this time it was shorter. “Are you sure you’re doing okay? You seem really…” Keith trailed off, “…distant.” Keith gave a small chuckle. “Though I suppose I’m not one to talk, but…”

“I’m back home with my family and not getting shot at on a daily basis by angry purple aliens, so I think that’s an improvement,” Lance muttered sarcastically. One corner of Keith’s mouth lifted into a grin, but it didn’t last very long. But as brief as it was, it was really disarming. Lance could feel the words building on the tip of his tongue, ready to come pouring out, but he kept his jaw firmly shut. The last thing he needed was to become a blubbering idiot in front of Keith. A part of Lance knew that deep down Keith cared—in his own roundabout way—and was just as stubborn as Lance. If he told Keith everything that had been building all this time, Keith would never leave.

_Who am I kidding? Of course he would leave,_ Lance thought bitterly. _It’s not like he owes me anything. I’m no use anymore, why would he stay?_

“How are you doing with Allura and everything?” Keith inquired softly.

Once again, Lance found himself caught off-guard. He was starting to like the feeling less and less. Lance shrugged, “I miss her, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

Lance began fidgeting with the bandages on his hands. He realized what he was doing and clasped his hands together. Lance then looked up and closed his eyes with a sigh. He missed her greatly, but deep down he knew that even if she was still alive, their relationship wouldn’t have lasted. “I just—…losing her was probably the worst thing I’ve ever had happen to me. But I knew she didn’t really have feelings for me—not the way I did.”

_Not the way she did with Lotor,_ Lance’s mind added quietly. He knew that he had been the rebound relationship for her, but knowing that didn’t make him feel any better. 

“Losing her was a blow to all of us,” Keith admitted. “I think about her often.”

Lance’s eyes stung at the tears trying to form and furiously blinked them away. “Me too,” he whispered. They fell quiet again, each lost in their own thoughts. Lance tried to smile fondly at their memories together, but they were forever stained with grief. He was constantly reminded of the loss every time he looked in the mirror. Lance hated to admit it, but he had come to loathe the marks on his face, so much so that he had taken to doing his morning and bedtime routines in the dark so he didn’t have to see them. It had taken some time to get used to it, but eventually he got the hang of it. But of course, the marks still glowed sometimes.

Beside him, Keith took a deep breath. “Lance, I have…something I need to tell you,” he began slowly. “I should have told you a long time ago—and I regret that—but I want to tell you now.” Lance glanced at Keith out of the corner of his eye. “I…” Keith paused, making Lance especially curious. He knew Keith was about to reveal something important that was taking a lot of courage to admit. Only two instances came to mind where Lance had seen Keith look this uncertain: one, when Keith had revealed to Lance his not-so-nice past and how Shiro was the first person he actually trusted, and two, when he admitted to Lance that he fully believed he was not cut out to lead Voltron. Keith took a deep breath and spoke, “I…I like you—a lot.”

Lance’s eyebrows drew together in puzzlement. “Okay...? Like, who doesn’t?”

“No, I mean, like ‘like’ like you.” Keith’s eyes kept glancing over at Lance before darting away and there was a hint of pink on his cheeks.

Lance blinked at him in confusion before it suddenly dawned on him. His eyes went about the size of saucers and his brain malfunctioned. _Oh shit, Keith_ likes _me, like, "like" likes me. Like, more than a friend, likes me,_ Lance thought. _I should probably say something back and not stare at him like an idiot._

“Why?” Or he could open his mouth and be an even bigger idiot.

Keith gave a huff and a pointed look. “Seriously?”

“What?”

“Seriously? I finally work up the nerve to tell you that I’ve liked you for years and the first thing out of your mouth is ‘why?’” 

“Wait…how long have you liked me?”

Keith’s cheeks went from pink to bright red. “That’s not the point here. Why would you say why?”

Lance threw his hands up in the air. He got up and started pacing around his room. “I…don’t know! Cause it surprised me maybe? Like, I seriously thought you only tolerated me!”

“I will admit, you have some quirks that I’ve had to get used to—the dumb jokes in particular.”

“See? Exactly.”

“But once I got a glimpse past that—past all the jokes and the flirting—I found that I admired the Lance underneath. It helped that you dropped the weird rivalry thing that you made up.” 

Lance opened his mouth to argue, but decided against it and ran his hands down his face in exasperation.

“You don’t have to give me an answer back, I just wanted you to know. I understand if the feeling is not mutual.”

“That’s not—” Lance began, but cut himself off. He sat back down on the bed next to Keith and buried his face in his hands again. Lance took a deep breath, trying to calm his mind and his emotions enough to form a coherent response. “Look, to be honest, I don’t know. Like, I just—I don’t know. I know I was in love with Allura, but I never felt the same way around her as I did with you. I just—I wasn’t sure what it was and didn’t know if I should put it a label on it or not. I—…I honestly didn’t know if we’d ever be more than friends. And there was a lot going on at the time and I never really took the time to sit down and sort out my feelings.”

“Well…what are you feeling now?”

Lance frowned. “I—I don’t know. I guess still kinda surprised.”

Keith’s brows furrowed. “Why?”

Lance shrugged. “Cause no one ever takes me seriously.”

“Yeah, you _are_ kinda a goofball,” Keith agreed.

“Hey!” Lance flared angrily.

“But you keep everyone laughing with your jokes. You never failed to tease me when I was being too serious and needed to lighten up. And you may have goaded me a lot in the past, but you helped me come out of my shell. But Lance, you also know when to be serious. You know when a joke is not appropriate and know when it's time to get to work.”

Lance arched an eyebrow skeptically, surprised to hear such compliments from Keith. “Did you write that down?”

Now it was Keith’s turn to frown. “Lance.”

“No, seriously. Do you have some sort of note card somewhere?” Lance gave a small gasp. “Oh, do you have a tiny ear piece that Pidge made you and they’re secretly telling you everything to say to win me over?” Keith crossed his arms and gave him an indignant look. Another idea suddenly occurred to Lance. “Or _maybe,_ this isn’t the real Keith. Clone Keith? Who are you and what have you done with the real Keith?”

“You done yet?” Keith asked flatly.

“I suppose,” Lance answered, but he couldn’t help but giggle. A genuine smile spread across his face and Keith smiled back. Another silence fell between them, but this time one of content and comfort. Lance stared into Keith’s striking violet eyes as Keith stared back and suddenly felt inexplicably drawn toward him. Keith must have felt it too, because one second they had been having a heart to heart conversation and the next their lips were on each other. Lance was surprised at how soft Keith’s lips were, despite being slightly chapped. Keith wrapped his arms around Lance’s waist and Lance ran his fingers through Keith’s long black hair. It was seemingly perfect and had been long waiting.

Lance leaned back onto the bed and Keith followed, deepening the kiss. Lance didn’t know how long they stayed like that; it could have been a few seconds or minutes or even hours, but it was pure bliss. Lance hoped it never ended.

“Lance,” Keith muttered in between breaths.

“What?” Lance breathed.

“Do you?”

“Yeah.” The words had slipped from his mouth without a second thought, but reality came crashing back in when Lance felt Keith trying to tug off his pants. Panic shot through Lance and he tensed. Keith must have felt it, because he stopped and broke away.

“I thought you wanted to?”

“I—” The hurt look on Keith’s face sent icy guilt shooting through Lance’s veins. But he couldn’t let Keith see. He had successfully hid it from the rest of the team for years and now even from his family. Even if he did have feelings for Keith, Keith would leave as soon as he saw, just like when he left Voltron. Besides, it was Lance’s secret that was going to stay between Lance and Lance.

“Is something wrong?” Keith asked softly, backing off of Lance.

Lance looked away, unable able to meet Keith’s gorgeous violet eyes. He sighed, “Look, I—I like you...I really do, but, this—...I can’t.” 

Keith’s gaze fell to his hands, making him look like a kicked puppy. “Oh...sorry...” he said quietly.

“No!” Lance said suddenly. “It’s—It’s not for the reason you think. Okay? I just—” Lance sighed, unable to form the words. There was no way he could explain this to Keith without him finding out. Lance fidgeted with his hands in his lap, trying not to trace the scars underneath his pants.

“Then what reason is it? If you don’t mind me asking?” Keith asked softly. Lance pursed his lips together and shook his head slowly. If he told Keith, he’d leave.

_What’s the point?_ Lance thought despairingly.

“I’m sorry, I can’t tell you,” Lance whispered.

“It’s—It’s okay,” Keith mumbled. Lance could see it in his face that it was definitely _not_ okay, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Keith the truth.

“I—…I think I need some time to myself to sort things out,” Lance announced. “Sorry, just—please.”

“I understand,” Keith said quietly. He rose and headed for the door, but paused before opening it. Keith glanced back over his shoulder and Lance didn’t miss the regret in his eyes. “You know you can talk to me, right?” Lance didn’t answer and Keith sighed, defeated. “…Just make sure you talk to someone. Veronica’s not the only one worried about you.” And with that, he left, closing the door behind him and leaving Lance sitting on his bed, alone with his thoughts.

Lance buried his face in his hands again. “God, what is wrong with me?” he wondered quietly. This time the tears did not hesitate to form and streamed down his face. Lance grabbed his pillow again so he’d have something to hug other than himself and hid his face in that. _Why does it matter? He’s just going to leave me anyways. Who would even want me around? I’m just the dumb annoying goofball who can’t get his shit together. I bet everyone was relieved when I decided to stay on Earth and I bet my family would ditch me if they weren’t stuck with me. Maybe they’re upset that I came back from space. I’m just a waste of space anyways. I don’t know why Keith even likes me. He deserves better than me. Did he seriously come all this way just to tell me that? Why would he do that? Maybe Acxa made him. Maybe he didn’t really want to come and Acxa made him because she wanted to visit Veronica. I bet he regrets coming to visit me. He has more important things to be doing than wasting it on me._

The metal nail filer came to Lance’s mind again, the urge bigger than ever. _No, I can’t do that. Not right now, someone will find out._ But Lance knew if he sat there wallowing he would eventually give in and not be able to sleep that night. So Lance went with the next best option. He locked his bedroom door again, shut off the lights, and opened up his window. Lance sat on the window sill and maneuvered his legs so that they were dangling off the edge outside. He then scooted to the right and grabbed the wooden lattice structure that was attached to the side of his house where the clematis flowers climbed up. Using the diamonds as footholds, Lance slowly made his way down to the ground.

When he was low enough, Lance jumped back down to the ground, landing behind the bushes. Lance immediately crouched low and waited to see if anyone was going to spot him sneaking out. When Lance deemed that the coast was clear, he quickly snuck away and headed for the barn. Once Lance made it to the barn and snuck inside, he let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding.

“Alright, now time to get to work,” Lance said to himself. In the past, when he was feeling low and injuring himself wasn’t an option, Lance would go to the barn to work. He convinced himself that at least he was doing something productive and could look forward to the ache in his body that followed for days afterward. Lance had lost count of how many times he had practically worked himself to exhaustion, but he knew it was a semi-safe outlet for everything he was feeling.

Lance started by sweeping the entire barn, choosing the smaller broom on purpose to make it last longer. He hummed to himself as he worked, refusing to let his thoughts focus on anything but sweeping. After that was done, Lance took to mucking out all the stalls and getting all of the animals fresh food and water. Kaltenecker mooed at him and Lance paused to give her an affectionate pat before continuing. He had to dig out the wheelbarrow and lost count of how many trips he made to the compost pile, but by the time that was done, he was drenched in sweat and breathing pretty hard. He then decided to sweep the barn again, and even though he just swept it, he still got a considerable amount of dirt and dust.

Once Lance was finished with that, he peaked outside and saw the sun was almost set, but Lance decided he had enough light to haul more bales inside. The grass ones weren’t too bad, but the alfalfa ones were a bitch to carry and even more so climbing up the ladder to the loft where the bales were kept. At some point his arms and legs began to burn deliciously, but Lance still kept going. By the time he had hauled the last bale up the ladder, Lance was so exhausted that climbing back down the ladder seemed like a daunting task. Walking back to the house and climbing back up to his room seemed impossible, but he knew someone might come looking for him if he was found missing.

_I’ll just sneak back in in the morning before everyone wakes up,_ Lance decided. And with that, he found the comfiest bale of hay and laid down. _Besides, it’s not like anyone’s going to worry about me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I contemplated Lance having the same chameleon abilities as Alteans manifesting, except he can't control it and the colors are attached to his emotions. I decided it didn't fit in this story and might incorporate the idea in a different one. 
> 
> Oh, and Lance's temperature drops suddenly sometimes ever since he died and Allura brought him back to life, but he hasn't figured that out. The problem might have been compounded when Allura gave him his markings.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keith point of view this time! He knows something's up but can't figure out what.  
> Keith comes to learn that unfortunately, everyone gets busy and sometimes talking or hanging out with friends gets shoved to the bottom of the list or even forgotten altogether. 
> 
> Thank you again for everyone who has left comments or kudos, they really mean a lot to me because I'm not brave enough to let anyone in real life read my stuff.  
> Let me know what you all think, I would love to hear from everyone!

Keith shut the door to Lance’s bedroom, instantly regretting ever telling Lance anything. But a tiny part of him was relieved that he finally got that off of his chest. Lance knew the truth, and there was no turning back from that. He was overjoyed when Lance hadn’t made fun of him for admitting his feelings and even more so when they kissed, but…

Something was off.

Keith could feel it, even with the sting of rejection still fresh.

Something wasn’t right.

Lance wasn’t the one to usually pull away from physical affection. Maybe Keith had rushed things too quickly? Maybe he had went too far? Or maybe Lance was still grieving over Allura and wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet? Keith could respect that, but something was amiss with the former blue paladin.

Keith seriously considered barging back into Lance’s room and demanding answers, but he knew that would only worsen the issue. Lance was clearly upset over how the day went and needed some time alone—and Keith could understand that completely. Instead, he sighed and trudged downstairs to the guest bedroom. He ended up having the room to himself because Veronica and Rachel insisted that Acxa needed a break from Keith and invited her to bunk with them. Keith had heard something about a “girls’ night,” whatever that was, and was slightly surprised that Lance wasn’t a part of it. He could recall all the creams and masks and lotions that Lance frequently used when they were in space. There was even a few times that Lance had a “spa night” for the rest of the team. Keith had always declined, but the one time Shiro made him attend one for some quality team bonding outside of paladin exercises. Keith shuddered at the memory.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” a voice asked, pulling Keith from his thoughts. He looked up to see Veronica, who had been waiting at the bottom of the stairs for him.

“Sure, what’s up?” Keith said. Veronica lead him outside to their front porch. The sun was setting and it would be night soon. Veronica sat down in a chair, inviting Keith to sit in the other, to which he obliged. 

Veronica was quiet for a moment as she stared out into the fading light beyond the house. “I’m worried about Lance,” she said after a while.

“Me too,” Keith admitted.

“What did he seem like to you?”

“Me? Um…” Keith uncomfortably thought of his confession and the kiss and winced. “He seemed kinda…distant.”

Veronica closed her eyes and sighed. “I know…stuff happened...out there that he doesn’t want to talk about and I’ve tried to respect that and give him space, but it’s…it’s hard to see him like that. I know he puts up an act when he’s around everyone else—especially Nadia and Silvio—but I know something’s not right.”

“Has he…talked to anyone else?” Keith wondered. He knew Lance and Hunk were pretty close—and Pidge too.

Veronica gave him a pointed look. “No. Every time they call he always asks how _they’re_ doing. He never once offers to talk about himself or how he’s doing. And he never calls them himself, he just waits for them to call.”

“Do they?” Keith asked. Veronica gave him a confused look. “Do they call him?”

“They…they used to all the time. But eventually it lessened and lessened. Usually if someone’s going to call, it’s going to be Hunk or Pidge. I think…what was his name? Coran?” Keith nodded and she continued. “Has a called a few times, and Shiro’s called once.”

_And I’ve never called,_ Keith thought, his guilt sinking to an all-time low. He wanted to sink into his chair and disappear.

“But the calls lessened and eventually almost stopped altogether. Now if we get a call it’s maybe once a year,” Veronica continued.

“Why doesn’t Lance ever call anyone?” Keith wondered.

Veronica gave a rueful laugh. “Because he doesn’t want to bother anyone. He’s _always_ been like that.”

_Really?_ Keith was surprised at that. When they were in space, Lance never gave up on an opportunity to bug him or the others. In fact, Lance bothered Keith even more so just because he could.

“Why don’t _you_ call them and tell them you’re worried?” Keith suggested.

Veronica sighed. “If only it were that easy. Nothing will make him clam shut tighter and faster than if he found out someone was worried about him. That’s why I was hoping maybe you could get through to him since you showed up unannounced.”

Keith rubbed the back of his neck and looked away. “…I’m not sure I’m the best person to do that…” he admitted quietly.

Veronica’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What? Why?”

“Yeah, we were teammates, but we weren’t ever really friends,” Keith said. The admission made this evening’s rejection hurt even worse and Keith felt a physical pressure began to develop in his chest, constricting around his already injured heart.

“Huh, that’s surprising,” she muttered.

Keith gave her a puzzled look. “Really? Why?”

A small grin crossed her face. “Because he talks about you the most.”

Keith mentally cursed at his heart for doing a flip. He cringed and looked away. “Oh…I didn’t know that.”

“Just…can you please try talking to him? I’m really worried.”

“I…I can try, but I think it might be better to try in the morning. He’s still pretty upset about everything that happened today.”

“Thank you Keith. That means a lot to me.”

“Um…what does your mother think of all this? If you don’t mind me asking?” Keith inquired.

“She’s worried as much as I am, but she’s also got eight other people to worry about. Lance has always downplayed his problems ‘cause of that. But that’s why I’ve always looked out after him. And he’s…he’s my baby brother. I guess I’ve always been protective of him that way.” A silence fell between them and they watched as the last of the sun’s rays disappeared behind the horizon. At some point the porch lights came on while they were talking, casting a soft glow around the house. Now that they had stopped talking, the sounds of the night became audible, most notably the chorus of crickets chirping in the grass. Elsewhere the quiet hooting of an owl could be heard, and further still the mooing of cows.

“It’s getting late, we should probably go inside,” Veronica said after a while.

“Yeah,” Keith mumbled. He followed Veronica inside and they wordlessly parted. Keith made his way into the guest room and flopped onto the bed once inside. He gave a deep sigh, his mind instantly replaying his talk with Lance, but this time equipped with the knowledge that Veronica had given him. It was difficult to incorporate the information into the Lance he had come to know, but the more Keith thought about it, the more he realized he had no idea. If Keith was being honest with himself, he had always been jealous of Lance. He had a circle of friends and was able to make anyone laugh no matter how hard their day was. He had a mom and a dad and loved ones that were waiting for him back on Earth.

And Keith…

Keith knew he had a temper and wasn’t the greatest when it came to other people. Keith never had anyone waiting for him back on Earth. And he might have…resented Lance for that. The Cuban _always_ had had a smile on his face, and how he could wake up every day _that_ happy, Keith could never figure out. They were ugly feelings, but it was the truth. But when Keith became the leader and Lance became his right hand man, Keith had begun to appreciate Lance for who he was and his skill set. He eventually saw Lance as an equal and as a friend he knew that always had his back. 

But to think that Lance could have been struggling with his own problems and _hiding_ them—for who knows how long—put a sick feeling in Keith’s stomach.

_So I guess the question is, is this new? Or old? How long has this been going on and I had no idea? Or maybe the others knew and Lance didn’t tell me. I guess it’s not like I was his favorite person and he hated me to begin with, but I would have thought maybe after we started to get along he would have told me. But I guess I wouldn’t know; he never told me anything. Granted, I never asked._

Keith suddenly remembered the time after they had found Shiro when Lance had come to him, concerned about the number of paladins to lions. It still shocked him to this day that Lance was willing to step aside. But Keith had assured Lance that everything would work itself out and that was that.

Or was it?

Keith ran his fingers through his bangs. _Maybe…something happened…while I was working for the Marmora. That might explain why…_ Keith gave a moan and placed his hands over his face. “Ugh, I don’t know.” His thoughts were a mess and his muddled emotions certainly weren’t helping.

A knock sounded at his door and Keith frowned, wondering who it was. A small part of him hoped it was Lance, but he knew he shouldn’t get his hopes up. Which is why he was surprised when he opened the door to see Lance’s mom standing there.

“Mrs. McClain?” Keith said.

“May I come in?” she asked.

“Um…yeah.” He stepped aside and she walked inside. She paused for a moment before sitting down on the bed.

“Please, sit,” she invited.

_Okay…so apparently tonight’s the night I get interrogated by every McClain family member,_ Keith thought as he sat down next to her.

“I heard you talking to Lance earlier,” Mrs. McClain began. Keith blanched and felt heat rush to his cheeks. He was about to open his mouth to explain when she held up a hand. Keith was half-expecting to get scolded right then and there, but to his surprise, he found himself wrapped in a bear hug by the McClain matriarch. Keith recoiled in shock, but she only squeezed tighter. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Keith asked uncomfortably.

“For coming. It really means a lot to Lance, even if he doesn’t show it.” Mrs. McClain pulled away and wiped her eyes. “You don’t see it, but he just mopes around the house all day. He really misses everyone.”

“Why doesn’t he talk to someone?” Keith wondered.

Mrs. McClain sighed. “Lance can be…stubborn…sometimes. He gets that from his sister. Unfortunately, that also means once he gets an idea in his head, sometimes it’s hard to get it out.”

Keith’s eyebrows scrunched up at her, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. _What is_ that _supposed to mean?_ “Yeah…he certainly can be stubborn sometimes.”

“Well, I just wanted to say thank you for coming over.” Mrs. McClain rose and strode over to the door. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Uh, will do.”

“Good night, Keith.”

“Good night.” Mrs. McClain disappeared through the door, shutting it behind her. Keith remained seated on the bed, replaying their conversation over and over in his head. Something she had said made him stop and wonder what she had really meant.

Keith pondered over her meaning for the rest of the evening as he got ready for bed. After he had showered and changed into his pj’s he had packed, Keith removed the covers and crawled into bed. Once he got situated, his mind wandered back to Lance. Something was clearly off with the former blue paladin, but Keith couldn’t put his finger on what.

_I wish Hunk or Pidge were here,_ Keith thought. _They were closer with him than I ever was. Or even Shiro or Coran would be better than me. I suck at processing my own feelings, let alone trying to attempt to understand someone else’s. I just…I don’t know that I’m the right person for this._

_But_ I’m _the one that’s here,_ another part of his mind thought. _No one else is here but me, which means…_

_I’m the only one Lance’s got._

Keith swallowed slowly at the thought. If he was being honest, it was intimidating—especially after confessing his feelings like that. Keith would have much rather preferred to beat up whatever was making Lance upset, but he knew that wasn’t physically possible.

Keith sighed and stared at the ceiling, debating. But when he really thought about it, he found it wasn’t a hard decision to make. “Alright Lance, I’ll try—for you.”

The next morning, Keith awoke to the smell of bacon cooking. Even though he had stuffed himself full last night, he found that he was starving. He quickly got up and got ready, trying to work out in his head how he would broach the issue with Lance again. He decided it might be best to wait until after breakfast.

After Keith had finished his morning routine, he entered the kitchen to find Mrs. McClain and Lisa busily preparing breakfast. Nadia, Silvio, Acxa, and Rachel were already seated in their respective places from last night and Veronica was up making herself toast.

“Good morning, Keith,” Mrs. McClain said when she spotted him.

“Good morning,” Keith replied. He sat down in the chair next to Acxa. “Is Lance up yet?”

“I’m not sure. He usually sleeps in. Nadia, Silvio, can you go wake Uncle Lance?” The kids rose from their chairs gleefully and could be heard stomping up the stairs, giggling and yelling Lance’s name.

“So how’d you sleep last night Keith?” Mrs. McClain continued.

“Oh…okay I guess. I had trouble falling asleep, but other than that I did okay,” Keith answered.

“Really? Acxa was out like a light,” Rachel exclaimed, giving the purple half-Galra a mischievous grin.

“What can I say? You two were exhausting,” Acxa muttered and took a sip of her orange juice. The children could be heard running back down the stairs and suddenly appeared in the kitchen.

“Abuela, Uncle Lance’s door is locked,” Silvio announced.

“Yeah, his door’s locked,” Nadia echoed. A wave of uneasiness immediately washed over Keith and he lifted his gaze to meet Veronica’s. While her face was still, her eyes mirrored the same worry Keith felt.

“He’s probably taking a shower and didn’t want you two peeking in on him,” Rachel pointed out.

_Oh, that makes sense. With this many eyes, I’d cherish my privacy too,_ Keith thought, breathing a sigh of relief. But the bad feeling didn’t completely go away.

Lisa announced that breakfast was done and began handing out platters. Keith’s stomach was positively growling now and his mouth was watering in anticipation. He found that just like dinner, breakfast was a full-course meal with biscuits and gravy, a platter of fruit, bacon, scrambled eggs, and many more. By now, the rest of the family had trickled down to join at the table, though he noticed Lance was still absent. Keith tried not to read too much into it and focused on savoring each bite. At least this time he had learned to pace himself and only took one and a half platefuls. 

“Hey, has anyone seen Lance up?” Mr. McClain asked, interrupting the chatting family members. 

“No, we haven’t heard a peep out of him,” Luis said.

“Although, I thought I heard him up earlier,” Marco offered.

“How long are his showers usually?” Acxa whispered to Veronica.

“I’m gonna go check on him, make sure he’s not blowing up the water bill again,” Veronica announced, standing up.

“I’m coming with,” Keith added, rising as well. They shared a knowing concerned look and wordlessly left together.

“He better be only taking a shower,” Veronica whispered as they went up the stairs. When they arrived at Lance’s bedroom door, they found that it was still locked. Veronica knocked loudly three times on the door. “Lance, you awake?”

No answer.

Frowning, Veronica left and went into another bedroom. Keith followed her and found her pressing her ear against the wall.

“What are you doing?” Keith asked.

“Shush,” Veronica said simply. After a few seconds, she stood. “I can’t hear the water running, so he’s not taking a shower.” They returned to Lance’s door and Veronica banged on it, startling Keith. “Let’s go sleepy-head, open up,” she shouted.

Still no answer.

The bad feeling returned to Keith, stronger than ever. Despite his best attempts to keep a realistic outlook on the situation, his pessimism instantly took over and began making up horrible what-if scenarios. “Do you guys have a key?” he inquired. _Because I really don’t want to break your door, but I have a very very bad feeling and will if I have too._

“I’ll be right back,” Veronica said. She quickly went down the stairs, leaving Keith standing by the door. Keith frowned and placed his ear on the door, listening for any indication of Lance, but it was quiet. Keith straightened when he heard Veronica returning, key in hand, and stepped aside.

“You better be decent, we’re coming in,” Veronica announced. She inserted the key into the doorknob, unlocking it, and opened the door, revealing an empty bedroom. Everything was how it looked when Keith left last night and the bed didn’t even look used. Keith went over to the bed, feeling for any warm spots that might be residual of Lance’s body heat, but found none. Veronica headed toward the bathroom and poked her head behind the shower curtain, but it was empty too. “Lance, of all the—” she cut herself off and dug out her phone. She tapped a few buttons before holding it up to her ear. “You better pick up.”

It was pure agony to stand there waiting, each successive ring slowly increasing Keith’s worry into panic. He noticed a slight breeze brush up against his neck, sending chills running down his spine. Keith’s sharp ears then picked up on a faint buzzing noise come from next to Lance’s bed. Keith searched for a minute before finally pinpointing the source from behind Lance’s night stand. Keith desperately prayed that he wouldn’t find anything, but his fears were confirmed when his fingers brushed up against a thin rectangular object. He grabbed it and pulled his hand out, revealing Lance’s phone, buzzing and the screen lit up with Veronica’s name on it. Keith’s heart about dropped to his feet.

_Oh no._

Veronica’s eyes widened at the sight of Lance’s phone before her gaze flicked up to Keith’s. They both simultaneously took off running down the stairs.

“Lance is missing,” Veronica announced when she got to the kitchen.

“What?” Rachel said, uncertain. Keith was right on her heels and nodded in confirmation.

“Where’d he go?” Luis asked.

“We don’t know. He’s not in his room and he left his phone,” Keith said.

“Are both the cars still here?” Lisa asked worriedly.

Marco got up and went to the garage to check. “Both cars are here,” he relayed.

“Alright everyone, split up and look for Lance,” Mr. McClain instructed. “He might be out doing chores and forgot his phone, but we need to make sure he’s alright. Veronica, Lisa, go check the green house. Marco, Luis, go check the pastures. Mama and I will go into town, see if anyone’s seen him or he’s at the beach. Keith, can you check the shop? It’s to the northwest of the green house.” Keith nodded. “Good, and Rachel, stay here with the kids in case he comes back. Call as soon as you find him.”

“I’ll go check our ship,” Acxa said.

“Wait, you guys have a ship?” Rachel exclaimed.

“How do you think we got to Earth? It’s not too far,” Acxa explained.

“Alright, everyone move out then. Take your cell phones,” Mr. McClain ordered. Everyone split off to their respective tasks. Keith grabbed his shoes and his luxite knife. He didn’t think he would need it, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

When Keith got outside, it took him a moment to orient himself on where the green house was, but once he did, he took off running in that direction. Keith quickly spotted the green house and angled his direction to the northwest. Soon, he came to a large metal warehouse-type building, with huge sliding double doors and a smaller regular door to the right. Keith entered through the regular door and found that the shop was dark. He waited for a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness before searching for a light switch. Keith’s hand brushed a switch and he flipped the lights on, revealing that he was standing in a very cluttered, dusty little workshop filled with cabinets and shelves that were littered with tools and nuts and bolts. Beyond the workshop were several pieces of farm equipment, most notably tractors, of which Keith didn’t know the differences between them.

“Lance?” Keith called. He knew that since the lights were off, there was a slim chance that Lance was actually in here. But it still didn’t hurt to look. Keith scoured the entire place, looking under farm equipment, peaking in the tractor cabs, and looking through the piles of stuff that bordered the walls. The whole time he kept internally and externally cursing himself.

“Damn it Lance, I _knew_ I shouldn’t have left you alone. Fuck,” Keith swore. He probably spent a good twenty minutes anxiously searching the shop. He did his best to be methodical about his search, but as each minute went by, the more frantic he became and had to re-check areas a few times just to make sure. 

The good news was Keith didn’t find Lance collapsed in a lifeless heap.

The bad news was Lance was still missing.

Keith ran his hands through his hair in distress, the panic that he had been shoving to the side beginning to fizzle back into him. “Come on Keith, think. Where else would he have gone?”

Keith suddenly remembered the breeze he had felt in Lance’s room. _That’s odd…why would there be a breeze in his room? Unless…_

_Unless the window was open._

It would certainly explain how Lance’s door was locked from the inside, but Keith supposed he could have just as easily locked it and shut the door from the outside. But Lance lived on the second floor and that was easily a twenty foot drop. Either way, it was suspicious. Since Keith didn’t find him in the shop, he decided to go back to the house and have a second look at Lance’s room.

Keith found it was a shorter run back to the house and entered through the front door. He saw Rachel on the living room floor, playing with Silvio and Nadia. Her head shot up when she heard him enter.

“Did you find Lance?” she asked hopefully.

“No, but I’m wondering something,” Keith answered. He went up the stairs and Rachel got up to follow him. But when he went to open the door to enter Lance’s bedroom, the last thing he expected was to find Lance himself coming out. Keith stood there, attempting to process the sight. Rachel was right behind him, equally stunned. Lance was dressed in regular clothes and had a towel wrapped around his head.

“Whoa, Keith, what’s wrong?” Lance asked worriedly.

Keith blinked at Lance several times before his brain finally caught up with his mouth. “Where the hell _were_ you?” Keith demanded. _Okay, probably not the best thing to say but what the hell Lance?_

“I was taking a shower,” Lance explained, confused.

“No you weren’t. Veronica and I were just in here and you were missing. Where the hell were you?”

“I was out in the barn doing chores. I was pretty sweaty afterwards, so I took a shower,” Lance replied casually.

_Damn it Lance, I know you’re lying to me but I can’t figure out what part it is you’re lying about. How did you manage to be in the only building that no one was assigned to check and how are you being so calm about this? Everyone legit feared for your safety and there’s a fucking man hunt out for you and you were in the barn and were taking a goddam shower._

“Oh yeah, then how did you get back into the house?” Rachel challenged, hands on her hips. “Cause I was sitting in the living room the entire time and I didn’t see you enter.”

Keith saw something falter briefly on Lance’s face. It was barely detectable—a slight raise of the eyebrows and a small widening of the eyes—but it was there, plain as day.

Lance quickly masked it over and gave a nonchalant shrug. “Guess I’m just sneaky.”

“Unbelievable,” Rachel muttered. She already had her phone out to call the rest of the family that Lance had been found and was just in the barn doing chores, but Keith wasn’t buying it.

_That’s it, I’m getting to the bottom of this,_ Keith thought furiously. “Come on,” he ordered, a little too harshly. He grabbed Lance’s wrist and proceeded to drag him down stairs. Rachel noticed and stepped in front of them.

“Hold up, where are you two going?” Rachel demanded, phone still next to her ear.

“We’re going to have a little chat,” Keith growled and pushed past her, tugging a reluctant Lance behind him.

“Keith—” Lance protested.

“Not now,” Keith snapped. _Whatever the hell this is, I’m getting to the bottom of this Lance. No more secrets. No more lies._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, midterms are this week and next week, so I don't know how soon I'll be able to finish the next part. It's partially written, but I'm not sure when it'll get done and I don't know how I want to end it and that may take a little longer too, so...
> 
> I hope everyone can be better at waiting than I am; I'm incredibly impatient and it kills me when the next part isn't out yet, so I understand your pain.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry you had to wait this long. This chapter ended up taking longer than I expected, but I would rather take the time to write it right than post it earlier and have it not be as good. Thank you all for waiting and make sure to leave a comment, I would love to hear from everyone!
> 
> And if you find a grammatical mistake, let me know so I can fix them. I hate grammar mistakes.

Lance was slowly aware he was awake. The first thing he noticed was the sunlight that hit his eyes. Lance moaned and rolled over, his aching body already putting up a fuss. He knew that he should be getting up, but it was tempting to just lie there in the hay and go back to sleep.

Hay.

Lance bolted up right and remembered that he had fallen asleep in the loft of the barn. Several muscles yelled at him from the movement and Lance groaned. He wondered what time it was and searched for his phone, only to realize that he didn’t have it. Lance bit his lip in worry; hopefully it was still pretty early. Besides, if it came to it, he could say that he got up early to do chores.

Lance slowly rose to his feet and stretched out his sore muscles before attempting to climb down. He discovered that virtually everywhere hurt from last night, but silently enjoyed the pain. Once Lance felt loose enough, he brushed all the hay off of him and slowly made his way down the ladder, checking to see if anyone was around. Kaltenecker mooed at him and he came over to give her an affectionate scratch.

“I’ll be back, don’t worry,” Lance assured. He then carefully made his way over to the barn doors and peaked outside. No one was out doing chores and the kids weren’t playing outside. His gaze shifted to the house. Pop-pop wasn’t outside drinking his morning coffee, which meant he was probably still asleep.

Not a soul in sight.

Lance sighed in relief and made his way back over to the house. He then double-checked that no one was around before ducking behind the bushes. He did another check before turning to the wooden lattice and beginning his climb up to his room. It turned out that climbing up hurt more than climbing down, his injured hands hurting in particular. It was hell trying to climb up the ladder, but once Lance made it to his window and crawled inside, he collapsed on the floor in relief. He laid there for a moment, chest heaving from the exertion.

After Lance managed to catch his breath, he shut the window and listened for any signs of life in the house. Rachel and Veronica weren’t up banging around in their bathroom. Silvio and Nadia weren’t running screaming through the house. Marco wasn’t playing his drums. No toilets were flushing or showers running. No tractors or four-wheelers were running in the distance.

Lance breathed a sigh of relief. No one was awake yet.

Good.

The last thing he needed was for everyone to throw a fuss about him missing so early in the morning. _Good, no one’s going to suspect a thing. If everyone else can act normal then I can too. Now, for a shower, I feel disgusting._ Lance could practically feel the sweat and grime burying themselves into his pores and hoped he wouldn’t break out. He dug out a new set of clothes and began his morning routine—in the dark—and took a nice hot shower, humming to himself. It took a couple rounds of thorough scrubbing before he felt completely clean, but after he was done he turned off the water felt around for the towel. His fingers brushed up against soft material, grabbed it, and he began drying himself off.

Once Lance was dried and dressed, he wrapped the towel around his head and began applying the various creams and lotions for his skin. Lance had set the bottles up in a very specific order on his counter and memorized which one was which. Out of all the things he had to relearn, that one was probably the hardest, especially whenever one of his siblings came in to borrow something they were out of and put it back wrong.

Lance was about done getting ready when his Altean markings started to emit a soft glow. Lance paused and stared at the markings in the mirror that softly illuminated his face. A fresh wave of sadness washed over him, wrapping around his heart and making his chest ache. Except this wasn’t the kind of ache that came from physical exertion. It was the kind that you felt deep within your bones, a kind of hollowed out ache that never went away. The kind that made you wonder how you could have possibly been happy before, when all that you feel now is sorrow. Lance stared at himself a little bit longer before he gave a deep sigh and finished getting ready.

When Lance was done and dressed, he was just about ready to head down for some breakfast. He figured by now his family would be up and was surprised when he couldn’t hear them banging around the house. Usually they were pretty loud collectively, but he supposed some of them could be sleeping in since it was the weekend. Lance didn’t think much of it and opened the door, only to find Keith and Rachel standing there, staring at him with their mouths hanging open and their eyes about as large as moons. 

“Whoa, Keith, what’s wrong?” Lance asked worriedly.

Keith blinked at Lance several times. “Where the hell _were_ you?” Keith demanded, startling Lance.

“I was taking a shower,” Lance explained, confused.

“No you weren’t. Veronica and I were just in here and you were missing. Where the hell were you?”

Lance managed not to wince and knew he had to tread carefully. Evidently, he didn’t get away as clean as he originally thought. “I was out in the barn doing chores. I was pretty sweaty afterwards, so I took a shower,” he replied casually. Keith seemed to relax a little, making Lance relax. _Good thing I came up with an excuse,_ Lance thought.

“Oh yeah, then how did you get back into the house?” Rachel challenged, hands on her hips. “Cause I was sitting in the living room the entire time and I didn’t see you enter.”

Lance’s heart about stopped and knew he was caught. There was no way he could lie his way around this one. He noticed Keith staring at him and did his best to mask his surprise and shrugged. “Guess I’m just sneaky.”

“Unbelievable,” Rachel muttered. She dug her phone and began to call someone, turning away from Lance. Lance was about to let his shoulders sag in relief when he remembered Keith was standing there, looking angrier than Lance had seen him in a _long_ time. Lance was about to open his mouth to fire off a remark, but Keith beat him to it.

“Come on,” Keith ordered harshly. He grabbed Lance’s wrist and proceeded to drag him down the stairs. Lance managed to bite back a yelp when his sore muscles protested. Rachel noticed and stepped in front of them.

“Hold up, where are you two going?” Rachel demanded, phone still next to her ear.

“We’re going to have a little chat,” Keith growled and pushed past her, tugging Lance behind him. Lance’s heart seized in his chest and he tried to pull away, but Keith gripped his wrist like iron.

_No no no no, Keith. I know what you’re going to ask and I can’t—not today. Keith no,_ Lance thought, distressed. Knots began to form in Lance’s stomach as his anxiety slowly-not slowly began to bubble up again. 

“Keith—” Lance protested. 

“Not now,” Keith snapped. Lance winced and snapped his mouth shut as Keith pulled him outside, away from the house. He at least had the half-sense to hang his towel on the coat rack as they passed by it. Lance realized Keith was leading him to his ship that he had arrived on Earth in. It was a little bit of a walk and Lance was surprised to see Acxa walking back from it.

“Oh, you found him. That’s good, where was he?” Acxa asked.

“In the shower,” Keith grumbled and marched right past her. Lance gave her a weak grin as they passed by, but he knew it didn’t meet his eyes. Acxa arched an eyebrow suspiciously, but figured she shouldn’t press the issue and headed back to the house.

All too soon they arrived at the ship, Keith tugged Lance inside into his personal quarters and locked the door behind him. “Sit.” Keith ordered and pointed to his neatly made bed. Lance gulped and gingerly sat down. Keith stared down at him with his arms crossed, his expression positively furious. Suddenly Lance was seven again, staring down at the floor as he waited for his mother to scold him. In the dim light, when Lance glanced up at Keith, he swore the half-Galra’s eyes were glowing. Lance returned his gaze to the floor, fidgeting with the bandages around his hands.

Keith took a deep breath and spoke. “Alright, here’s the deal: no one is aboard this ship except you and me. The door is locked and so is the ship. So, that being said, you’re not leaving until you tell me what the _hell_ is going on.”

“Nothing’s going on,” Lance said.

“Is that so? Then why did you sneak out of your room last night?” Keith demanded.

“I didn’t sneak out of my room last night.”

“Really, then how come you weren’t in there this morning?”

“I told you, I got up early to do chores. That’s what happens when you live on a farm.”

“Then explain to me why your door was locked and you weren’t in there.”

Lance froze, knowing that seemed extra-suspicious to Keith. He gave a shrug. “Sometimes the door sticks and the lock does funny things. It isn’t the first time that’s happened. Pop-pop’s been meaning to fix it,” he fibbed. Lance shivered at how easy it was to lie to Keith and instantly felt his stomach knot even further with guilt.

“Alright, then riddle me this: why do you keep pushing me away? You say that you like me and then you practically kick me out of your room,” Keith argued. “So what I want to know is if you really _do_ like me, or am I just another flirt to you? Cause if I am, then this is a waste my time.”

Lance flinched. Keith’s words cut deeper than a knife, slicing through Lance’s already injured heart and deeping the wound. _Is that all you think I do? That I’m just this superficial flirt that’s only in it for the chase? I should have never told you anything. I trusted you and finally open up about my insecurities that I hadn’t even told Hunk about and you fucking left. Laughed at me behind my back._ Lance shivered and crossed his arms. “Fine. You want to know the truth?” He looked up to meet Keith in the eye, equally furious. “The truth is I wished you hadn’t come to visit me. I wish you had never come back to Earth.”

Hurt flashed in Keith’s eyes, but Lance didn’t care. Keith’s angry expression wavered, eyebrows turning upwards. “Lance, you can’t mean that.”

“What does it matter what I mean? I don’t know why you even came in the first place if you think I’m just a fucking waste of time.”

Keith opened his mouth to instantly fire off a reply, but he must have thought better of it and closed it. Keith took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Look, that’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Do I?!” Lance demanded, surging to his feet. “I’m a joke to you! All of you! That’s all any of you have ever thought of me! And now I finally settled back into my family and was happy and you just decided to come and waltz all over that too!”

“If you didn’t want me to come then you should have just said so!” Keith flared, his patience finally breaking.

Good.

“Really? Our heroic Keith would actually spare some of his precious time come visit his pathetic teammate? Oh, how kind of you to grace us with your presence!” Lance crossed his arms again, practically trembling as he tried to keep a hold on his fury before it erupted.

“Lance, what is _wrong_ with you?”

“Nothing. I’m just the same flaky goofball you know, but now with an extra serving of spite and sarcasm,” Lance retorted.

“Shiro’s right. You _have_ changed.”

Lance winced and looked away. “That’s evident by just looking at my face.”

“Lance...”

“Don’t Lance me. Okay? Don’t _do_ that. Yeah, I’ve changed. War _does_ that to people, especially to a stupid screw-off 17-year-old. You think I’m the only one who’s changed? Look at you! You were scarred by a clone Shiro and found out you were half-Galra. Hell, Shiro doesn’t even inhabit his original _body_ and he’s 29 and got gray hair! And a robotic floating arm!” All of the anger suddenly drained from Lance and he plopped back down on the bed, hugging himself and avoiding Keith’s gaze.

“Lance, listen, I—” Keith paused when he saw Lance wouldn’t meet his gaze. Keith sighed again and spoke, but this time much quieter. “Lance...believe it or not, I stopped by because I really missed you.” Lance didn’t reply, suddenly feeling too numb to attempt to process anything. But even the numbness couldn’t keep his thoughts at bay. _Yeah right, you’ve never visited or called before. And you never kept in touch when you left Voltron. You don’t give a damn about me, none of you do. I fucking died and no one batted an eyelash. Then Allura dies and she gets a freaking monument and a day just for her. Shiro died and none of us even noticed that he was a clone and he spoke to me and I was too much of an idiot to realize what was happening. Not that it mattered anyway, Keith was the one to figure it out. Typical. Keith always excels. Like hell he came here because he missed me. He probably just came here to mock me and brag about how much of a success he is and—_ The sinking of the bed next to him pulled Lance from his thoughts. Keith gingerly laid a hand on Lance’s shoulder. Lance stiffened, but he managed not to flinch.

“Listen...I—” Keith’s voice cracked and he stopped. Keith took a deep breath and started again. “First and foremost, I’m sorry.”

Lance’s eyes widened at this, surprised, but he didn’t show it. “For what?” He snipped.

“For...everything, I guess,” Keith said softly. “I’m sure you have mixed feelings about me dropping by unannounced. If—...If this is how you truly feel, then I’ll—...I’ll leave.” What had started out as a soft apology ended with Keith’s voice thick with emotion and he sounded as if he was on the verge of tears. Any residing animosity Lance was feeling instantly evaporated. “I’ll go get my stuff,” Keith announced sadly. He got up and started for the door.

Without warning, Lance’s heart suddenly started pounding in his chest at the prospect of Keith leaving. “Keith—Keith wait.” The automatic door opened and Keith paused in the doorway. Lance realized he was almost off the bed and sat back down, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m—...I’m sorry. Okay? It’s just...I thought I had a hold on things and was finally starting to adjust back to a quiet life, but then you showed up and everything kinda fell apart.”

“I’m...sorry?” Keith said, confused.

“No, it’s not you, it’s me. I think the problems had been building for a while and you were the spark to ignite the fire. I’m sorry that I took it out on you. It was unfair of me.”

“True,” Keith stepped back in and the door closed. “But...bottling it up all inside isn’t good. Trust me. All those pent up feelings manifest in ugly ways.” Keith stopped in front of the bed. “Is it okay to sit next to you?” Lance nodded, still hugging himself, and Keith sat down next to him.

“I’m sorry,” Lance said again, avoiding Keith’s gaze.

“For what?” Keith questioned, confused again.

Lance sighed. “I don’t know. For everything I guess…For kicking you out of my room.” Lance paused and then added quietly: “For pushing you away.”

Keith was silent for a moment before drawing Lance into a hug. Lance stiffened again, but didn’t pull away. His head ended up resting on Keith’s chest and he could hear beating of Keith’s heart beneath his ribs. It was a little erratic at first, but eventually settled down into a steady beat. After a while Lance relaxed and settled fully into Keith’s embrace. Lance didn’t know how long they sat there like that, but for the first time in years, his thoughts quieted down enough for him to just enjoy the moment.

“Do you really like me?” Lance asked after a while, breaking the silence.

“More than that. I—I’ve loved you for a long time,” Keith admitted.

“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Keith sighed. Lance didn’t miss the way he tensed a little before relaxing. “…We were just starting to get along,” Keith began. “I didn’t want to ruin that. And in all honesty, I was afraid.”

Now it was Lance’s turn to be confused. “Of what?”

“…I was afraid that my feelings would get in the way of Voltron.”

Lance was silent for a moment, letting Keith’s words sink in. “…That’s not all, is it?”

“No…” Keith paused and took a deep breath. “I was afraid that you hated me. I didn’t remember you from the Garrison but you clearly remembered me. I was thrilled when you stopped acting so hostile towards me, but I was afraid that the dislike was still there. And…” Keith trailed off as his emotions got caught in his throat.

“You were worried that I’d make fun of you if you confessed your feelings, weren’t you?”

Keith sniffed. “Yeah…finding out that—that I was half-Galra was bad enough. I didn’t need another reason for people to hate me.” Lance could feel Keith trembling beside him and moved to wrap his arms around Keith.

“I’m sorry that I made you feel that way,” Lance whispered. He held Keith as he cried silently into Lance’s shoulder. It was times like this that Lance wished he could find the right words to comfort Keith, or maybe make a joke to lighten the mood, but the truth was that Lance couldn’t come up with anything no matter how hard he tried. _Wow, look at you, can’t even comfort your friend properly when he’s crying._ They sat there like that for a while, another small eternity passing. It felt weird to see Keith so open and vulnerable to Lance, and for a brief moment, Lance wished he could do the same.

Lance was startled by his own train of thought. The thought of telling Keith anything instantly ignited his nerves, sending a wave a nauseousness through Lance. But above all that, he also felt guilty—guilty that Keith was brave enough to admit not only his feelings toward Lance, but also his own fears and insecurities, and Lance wasn’t sure he could do the same.

_M_ _aybe I could…_

_No, I can’t. I can’t tell him. He would be disgusted with me and want nothing to do with me ever again._

_But…out of everyone, Keith would be the one I would want to tell._

_But he wouldn’t understand. He was always good at everything and never had to struggle like I did._

Lance didn’t know what to think. Just _thinking_ about telling Keith caused dread to pool in his stomach, making his heart beat faster and his lungs constrict.

Needless to say, it flat out terrified him.

But it was also the first time Lance had even _considered_ telling someone.

_Considering and actually telling are two different things,_ Lance reminded himself. _But Keith_ did _come all this way just to see me. He didn’t have to do that._

_No, but he wanted to, even though he didn’t have to._ If Lance was being honest with himself, holding Keith in his arms as he cried after admitting his fears, made him feel the tiniest bit braver. If Keith trusted Lance enough to reveal his feelings and break down in front of him, Lance knew that it meant he was very important to Keith. _I just…I’m not sure that I can do the same Keith, I’m sorry. I’m not brave like you._

But at the same time, Lance was tired—tired of feeling like this. Tired of having to hide everything and constantly police himself so he didn’t slip up. Tired of keeping secrets and lying to people he loved. Lance slowly swallowed as he circled around the decision he wanted to make. He knew what he wanted to do, he just wasn’t sure where to start. 

Lance took a deep breath to calm his nerves. “Look…I have something I need to tell you,” he began slowly. “Something I’ve never told anyone. No one knows.” He pulled away from Keith, who gave him a concerned look. His eyes were still a little puffy and red from crying, but Lance could see the worry in them.

“Not even Voltron?” Keith asked quietly, his voice rough from crying.

“Not even Voltron, nor my family.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Keith said suddenly.

Lance shook his head. “No, it’s…something I need to. It’s a secret I’ve been carrying around with me for years now, but it’s time I told someone, and I’m trusting you enough to tell you.” _So you better keep it and not leave me,_ Lance’s mind added.

“So I better keep it?” Keith said, echoing Lance’s thoughts.

Lance nodded. He then opened his mouth to confess, but found that no words would come. He tried to force them past his mouth, but it was like his secrets were closing around his throat, desperately trying to keep the truth from escaping and making it especially hard to breathe. God, Lance wanted to tell Keith _so bad_ but his mouth refused to work; refused to form any words.

“Lance, listen, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m not gonna force you, okay?” Keith said softly.

“No! I—” Lance said suddenly, but the words died on his tongue, much to his frustration.

Lance was torn.

A part of him desperately wanted to run away right then and there. He had worked so hard to make sure his little habit would remain a secret and would do anything to keep it that way.

But the other part of him also desperately wanted to tell Keith—to finally open up about what had happened and free himself from the weight he had been carrying around all this time.

When it was clear words were a lost cause, Lance reached for his pants with trembling, bandaged hands. Pressing his lips together to keep the tears from falling, Lance rolled up a pant leg, past his knee and above his mid-thigh, revealing the abundant ugly scars that crisscrossed his skin. Keith’s eyes widened from the sight and he went utterly still, his mouth hanging open in shock.

“Lance…” Keith said, barely a whisper. Lance quickly yanked his pant leg down and turned away from Keith, instantly regretting his decision. He couldn’t bear the sight and wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly feeling cold.

“It’s okay if you want to leave now, I get it,” Lance mumbled.

“Lance, I’m not leaving.”

Lance harrumphed. “Hasn’t stopped you before.”

Keith was silent for a moment before getting up and moving to the other side so he could face Lance. But Lance had other ideas and refused to meet his gaze, even when Keith ducked down to try and catch it. “What…what led you to decide to do this, if you don’t mind me asking?” Keith questioned quietly.

Lance glanced up at Keith before his eyes darted away. He hugged himself harder, trying to curl into a tiny ball while still sitting. Lance had a long debate on whether or not to tell Keith. The last time Lance opened up about his insecurities to Keith, the dude up and left. Assured him that everything would be fine and work itself out, made him feel like everything would be okay, and then the red asshole fucking left. Lance didn’t know if he was willing to risk it twice. The first time hurt bad enough. Lance didn’t want to imagine going through it a second time. _What am I really expecting? Even though he has his own issues of abandonment, he sure as hell isn’t good at picking up others might too. Allura left me too, so should I really be that surprised?_

“Lance?” Keith prodded gently.

“Sorry, but I’m having a hard time convincing myself that this a good idea,” Lance said flatly.

Keith looked no less than bewildered. “What? Why?”

Lance crossed his arms. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe because last time I opened up about my insecurities, you left?”

Keith glanced away briefly, understanding dawning in his eyes. “Is that when you…?”

“No, but it was definitely a contributing factor.”

Keith sighed. “Look, I’ll admit that wasn’t one of my greatest decisions. There were a lot of little reasons that added up and I kind of decided on impulse. I truly didn’t believe I was cut out for leadership, even though you believed in me. And I guess…I left so that your spot on Voltron would be secure…So you wouldn’t have to worry about it.” Lance hated that his eyes darted up to meet Keith’s, but he couldn’t help it. Out of the millions of scenarios his mind had made up about why Keith left, none of them were even remotely close to the truth. “And I suppose I left because I thought I could help you guys better that way. I felt…I felt like because I was half-Galra, I didn’t deserve to be a paladin, and worried that my genes would get in the way of forming alliances,” Keith added.

“Oh…I didn’t consider that,” Lance admitted. _Wow, how could I have been so stupid?_ _!_ _I spent this entire time thinking he left because he couldn’t stand being around me and I had finally pushed him to his breaking point._

 _Or could he just be telling me what I want to hear?_ Another part of Lance’s mind suddenly wondered. _Maybe he’s worried that if he tells me the_ real _truth that I might get suicidal or something?_

A silence fell between them that Lance wanted to break, but no matter how much he wanted to his mouth remained shut. Keith sighed, and then spoke again. “Look…I know I…left in the past…and the timing wasn’t great. But…but I’m here now. And if I do leave again…I promise I will always come back, okay?” There was a brief pause as Keith debated how he wanted to phrase the next part. “But…that doesn’t change what happened and how that made you feel. I’m—I’m sorry if I was a part of that cause, but I guess…I guess what _did_ happen?”

Lance sighed and his shoulders slumped. _Am I really going to tell him this? He seems like he’s eager to listen, but I’m still unsure._ Lance opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out and he closed it.

“Please,” Keith whispered.

Lance sighed again and opened his mouth with renewed determination. “When…when we were ejected into space, I…I didn’t bring my medications. I didn’t even have any on me when we snuck out of the Garrison that night. I actually did okay despite everything, but I suppose I was probably more of a butt because of it.” Lance shuddered and took a deep breath, trying not to fidget with his hands in his lap. “But…the battles got harder, the choices got tougher, and things kinda began to fall apart—at least for me.”

“Do you…do you kinda know when or…?”

Lance looked away, but nodded. “I guess it kinda started when Shiro disappeared. That was a blow to everyone—not just you. Blue practically kicked me out and it honest to God hurt, but being accepted by Red made me feel better. And then you were the first person I ever told about my insecurities to and assured me that everything would be fine, and it made me glad because you didn't make fun of me for it. But then you left, and that hurt worse than Blue rejecting me. I thought—” Lance paused, trying to swallow down his emotions before they threatened to break free. “I thought I had finally annoyed you enough that you decided you couldn’t stand me anymore.”

“Lance—”

“And then that whole thing with clone Shiro didn’t help either. I thought the man legit hated me for the longest time. And then everyone stopped paying attention to me and wrote me off as the screw-off; the screw-up—which I was—and I had nothing special to contribute to the team and felt like I was just a place holder for Red and I felt like every little thing was my fault and the others would constantly scold me for that and I tried training more to get better but nothing ever worked and I—” Lance didn’t know when he started crying, but the tears streamed down his face as the words came tumbling out of his mouth. All of the sudden everything became too much and Lance’s words halted, but the crying increased tenfold.

Keith grabbed hold of Lance’s upper arms. “Lance, listen—” 

“And—And I f-felt like I had n-no control over any-anything, so I st-started cutting. I knew it was bad, b-but it felt s-s-so good and m-my thoughts finally calmed—calmed down enough and it was something that w-was just between m-me and me and—” Without warning, Keith had suddenly wrapped Lance in a fierce bearhug and Lance buried his face into the half-Galra’s shoulder. Anguished sobs wracked his body, refusing to let Lance try and get any more words out.

“Is that why you stopped the other day?” Keith asked quietly.

“Y-Yes-s,” Lance hiccupped. Keith didn’t ask any more questions and held Lance as he cried his eyes out. Lance didn’t know how long he cried, but every time he felt like he was calming down another round of fresh tears would cascade from his eyes.

After what seemed like a small eternity, Lance managed to get a hold on his emotions enough that he could stop crying. He pulled away from Keith and rubbed his eyes, fully aware that they must be even puffier and redder than Keith’s were. Lance couldn’t help but wince when he saw the size of the water stain on the left side of Keith’s shirt. “S-Sorry ‘bout your shirt,” Lance sniveled.

“Don’t worry, it’ll dry,” Keith assured. “Besides, I’m sure that was long overdue. How are you feeling?”

“T-Tired.”

“I bet.” Keith gently took Lance’s hands into his own and inspected them, rubbing his thumbs over the band-aids. “Was this…?”

“Yeah.”

“Come here.” Keith opened his arms and Lance hesitated. Shrugging, Lance scooted over and settled against Keith—on the right side this time—and they laid back down on the bed. They were quiet for a long time, but Lance wasn’t sure he had any energy left in him to talk. Occasionally, another round of snivels would occur, but mostly Lance was just exhausted from the ordeal.

But as tired as he felt, his worries came back, fiercer than ever. It was practically a living nightmare to have anyone know about his habit, but Lance knew it was fantasy to think he could hide it forever. Sooner or later something had to give, and Lance was the tiniest bit glad that Keith was the one who found out.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said after a while.

“For what?” Lance sniffed.

“For making you feel this way. I’m…I’m not the greatest at understanding my own emotions, let alone someone else’s. That’s—That’s not an excuse, but still.” Keith paused and took a deep breath. “But I—…I get it. I thought…I thought you hated me too.” 

Lance’s gaze flicked up, but he couldn’t really see Keith’s face unless he moved his head. Maybe it was better that way. “I…I did…at first,” Lance admitted quietly. He felt Keith shift next to him. “I hated how you were always good at everything…I hated that you beat me on the simulator _every time,_ no matter how hard I worked. You made it look so easy _._ I hated the aura of smugness that you carried around you. I hated how close you were to Shiro. He was my hero and such an inspiration to me to try and get into the Garrison. I thought that if a Japanese man could be one of the best pilots, why not a Cuban?” Lance paused and took a deep breath. “And I hated that the only reason I made fighter class was because you got kicked out.” Lance fell quiet, unsure what to say next. They were awful feelings, but it was the truth. A part of Lance wished he could go back and slap his younger self, but realistically, it probably wouldn’t have done any good. 

“I hate to say it, but I was glad when you got kicked out the Garrison,” Lance continued. “But then a year later we were suddenly forced to cooperate together when we became paladins. We were stuck together all the time and I know I was kind of a jerk to you, but I guess…then I learned you weren’t such a bad guy. It was hard to swallow my pride, but it helped that I had a couple reality checks. And then when you went to Black and I went to Red, I learned to appreciate you as a person and valued the skills you brought to the team,” Lance finished quietly.

“I…I hated you too,” Keith whispered after a while. “At first.” Lance lifted his head to meet Keith’s gaze, but Keith’s eyes were looking to the side, a far-away look casted over him. “I hated how you were so popular with everyone. I hated how everyone was drawn to you and you made friends so easily. You were always so inviting to everyone, and I practically did the opposite of that. I hated how you could easily navigate a conversation or pick up on social cues that I couldn’t—and sometimes still can’t. I knew for a while that you were homesick, but I guess…I hated you for that too. You had a family waiting back on Earth for you and I didn’t.”

Lance sat there for a moment, unsure what to think. It was common knowledge that Lance and Keith didn’t get along when the whole Voltron thing began. There was more times than Lance would like to admit that Shiro had to intervene when they were arguing. In all honesty, it made Lance’s insides feel all icky and knotted whenever he thought about it. They did eventually get along, but to think that Keith had started having feelings for him at some point and even _liked_ him, it was almost surreal.

“I’m sorry,” Lance whispered.

“I’m sorry too,” Keith murmured. They both fell silent again and laid there, each lost in their own thoughts, but not long after Keith spoke again. “Did you ever try going back on your meds?”

Lance took a deep shuddering breath and bit his lip. “I…I did, but they didn’t work anymore. None of the medications that the doctors prescribed worked and no one knew why. And…and I felt ashamed for needing them, so I just stopped.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Keith said firmly. He then lowered his voice, “Do you think…it has something to do with your marks?”

Lance blinked. He hadn’t even considered that. In space, whenever one of them got hurt or sick, Coran was always doing ridiculous amounts of calculations to try and make up for any differences between Altean and human anatomy. If Lance’s physiology had been altered when he got his Altean markings…then it’d make sense that the medications didn’t work. That, and when he…when he died and Allura brought him back to life…might have compounded the problem.

Lance realized he had been silent too long and shrugged, “Maybe. I honestly don’t know.”

“Have you ever asked Coran? He might know something.”

“No,” Lance said.

“It might be worth a—”

“No,” Lance repeated, firmer this time.

Keith took a deep breath. “Okay.” Lance breathed a sigh of relief. “But eventually you have to tell him.” Lance stiffened, his regrets coming back full force. “Not today, obviously, but sometime. We don’t have to tell him the full story, just enough that he gets the idea.”

Lance pulled his legs up closer, instantly wanting to curl in on himself. “I-I don’t know Keith.”

“Are you scared?” Keith wondered quietly.

Tears began to well in Lance’s eyes again. He furiously blinked them away, but a sniff escaped. He wasn’t sure he could answer, so he just nodded.

“That’s okay. It’s okay to be sacred.” All of the sudden Keith rolled on his side to face Lance. “But Lance, you’re one of the bravest people I know. It undoubtedly took a lot of courage to tell me what’s been happening, and I am glad you did.” Lance’s eyes darted to the side, suddenly embarrassed. “But Lance, I’m so proud of you, okay?”

“But—” Lance began.

“No buts. No one deserves to be feeling the way you are, no matter what you think. But if Coran can make something that would help make you feel better, then I think it’s worth a shot. You could also talk to a therapist or do group therapy or something, but it’s up to you. It probably won't work right away, but it would be a starting point, and that's the important part.”

Lance didn’t know what to say, so he stayed quiet, mulling the issue over in his head. He knew Coran would drop everything he was doing in a heartbeat to help Lance, which was part of the reason why Lance didn’t like to bother him. The man was busy enough these days helping run New Altea that he didn’t need anything extra on his plate. But if anyone could make something medical-related that worked, it was Coran. “I’ll—…I’ll think about it.”

“Good,” Keith said. They were quiet for a moment and then Lance grinned when he thought of something. Keith gave him a weird look, “What?”

“Veronica’s going to kill me,” Lance muttered.

Then it was Keith’s turn to grin. “You might be surprised. I’m sure she’ll love you no matter what.” Lance’s grin widened into a smile. Keith suddenly sat up and got off of the bed.

Lance sat up, confused. “Where are you going?”

“Not me, we. Come on,” Keith said. He grabbed Lance’s hands and tugged him to his feet. “You probably don’t feel the greatest after all this, so let’s go do something fun.”

“Fun?” Lance echoed, bewildered.

“Yeah, something you enjoy. What do you want to do?”

Lance pursed his lips together in thought. He wasn’t sure the last time he did something just for the fun of it. He then remembered hearing that it was supposed to rain this afternoon. “Maybe…go play in the rain?”

“Is it supposed to rain later?” Keith asked and Lance nodded. “Okay, but we gotta do something until then.” Lance tried to think of something else they could do until then, but he was drawing a blank. Keith’s eyes then flashed with an idea. “How’s Kaltenecker doing? I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“She’s doing pretty good. Do you…want to go see her?” Lance suggested.

“I would love to. Then maybe you could give me the grand tour of your farm? I’ve only seen the greenhouse.”

“Okay…only if I get to braid your hair?” Lance said. He loved the way Keith’s nose wrinkled slightly at the suggestion. “It’s rather messy,” Lance added.

A corner of Keith’s mouth turned up in a grin. “I suppose I have to agree, you’re _such_ the persuader.”

Lance’s stomach suddenly rumbled, interrupting them. Lance grimaced in embarrassment and remembered he hadn’t even had breakfast yet. “I think my stomach says otherwise.”

“Alright, breakfast first then. Shall we?” Keith said. He stepped aside and gestured to the door in mock politeness.

Lance rolled his eyes. “Dear lord, don’t ever do that again,” he said as he stepped through the door.

“What? Embarrassed?” Keith challenged.

“For your mom, yes,” Lance teased. Keith’s jaw dropped and Lance danced around Keith as he tried to take a swipe at him. Lance couldn’t evade Keith’s long reach for long and eventually got caught. Keith grabbed him from behind and wrapped his arms around Lance’s torso.

“Got’cha,” Keith whispered in Lance’s ear.

“Guess you do,” Lance muttered, a grin tugging at his lips again. Lance’s stomach growled again in protest and both of them couldn’t help but laugh. “Sorry,” Lance said with a laugh. He broke away from Keith and turned to face him. Lance stared at Keith’s grinning face, studying all of his features. Everything from the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled to the slight curve of his lips to the scar that ran over his cheek. Lance found that he didn’t think he could ever get tired of staring at that face. He then realized that they were _both_ marked for life from that awful war, but maybe the wounds that it caused could finally start healing.

Lance grabbed Keith’s hand, much to Keith’s surprise. “Some fun would be great,” Lance said simply. Keith smiled and Lance lead him toward the ship's exit. They paused when they discovered it was already raining. It was a light gentle rain that wouldn't amount to much for water, but Lance loved it all the same. Lance started toward the rain, but paused and looked back at Keith. “And Keith?”

“Yeah?” Keith said.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one is done and written in the books. I've had other ideas for other stories come to me while I've been writing this, so hopefully one of those will be out soon.


End file.
